555

Confessions: 3/10

Throughout the course of this project, I am going to periodically step away from the main storyline and highlight various art (music, paintings, writings, etc…) that is currently inspiring me. I believe that there’s a certain temporal element in the making of any creative work, and that includes this writing. When I look back on this project, I want to be able to recall the idiosyncrasies of this exact period of my life, and for me there’s no better barometer of that than the art that is currently speaking to me. Tomorrow I will embellish yesterday’s backstory with some musings on the problem of religion, but today I want to talk about “555,” a song off Jimmy Eat World’s 2019 album Surviving.

I’m sure for many of you Jimmy Eat World is a blast from the past. Their most popular song, “The Middle,” was released twenty two years ago (fuck I’m old). It turns out they haven’t stopped making music, and some of their most recent stuff is really good. Over the course of the past few weeks I’ve been looking back into bands that were considered “one hit wonders” when I was a kid, and I’ve been surprised by how many of these so-called acts have made (or still make) tons of quality music. Jimmy Eat World certainly falls into this category for me.

I was at work a few days ago, painting a basement. I happened to be alone for the day, so I popped on Spotify and “The Middle” came on shuffle. I have always loved that song, and I decided I would let “Jimmy Eat World Radio” dictate my music for the day. I love listening to music while I paint - I find it so easy to just lose myself. There I was, completely tapped into the flow, when this strange song came on. It didn’t sound like most of the other songs by Jimmy Eat World, but it immediately piqued my interest. I listened to it a few more times that day, my jaw dropping a little more after each listen.

“555” describes the exact experience I am going through, the exact experience that has been the catalyst for this current project. Maybe my interpretation is not what Jimmy Adkins had in mind when he wrote the song, but maybe it is. It’s public information that Adkins got sober in 2013, and there are many elements of the song I recognize from my own sobriety journey. Not only that, the emotions the song elicits are so immediately familiar to me it’s almost hard to believe. I always find it amazing when art shows up in our lives exactly at the right times - to teach us things, help us see past our blind spots and urge us to keep going along the path we’ve set out. “555” hit me like a ton of bricks, and I haven’t been able to stop listening to it since.

I have never written an in-depth analysis of a song, but today that is going to change. I want to share the lyrics of the song with you, and I want to explain why they resonate with me so much. They tie in so well with what I wrote about yesterday that it just makes complete sense to do so. Here are the lyrics:

I keep my focus on the simple things
Try to find some peace along the way
Wish I knew how long I'm supposed to wait
Holding on but just barely

Got the feeling I've been talking to a dead, dead line
Always a reason to let it change
Is there anyone there listening while you cry, cry, cry?
Always a reason for the pain

I'm doing the things I've been told everyday, everyday, everyday
Then why does it feel like I'm moving in place, in a place, in a place?

Never had anything to prove
But never was anyone like you
All you fought through
All you had to face
Made you stronger, unafraid

Got the feeling I've been talking to a dead, dead line
Always a reason to let it change
Is there anyone there listening while you cry, cry, cry?
Always a reason for the pain

I'm doing the things I've been told everyday, everyday, everyday
Then why does it feel like I'm moving in place, in a place, in a place?

I gotta believe that you're there
When I sing, when I sing, when I sing
Cause if you're not real then I'm losing my head, in my head, in my head

Got the feeling I've been talking to a dead, dead line
Always a reason let it change
Is there anyone there listening while you cry, cry, cry?
Always a reason for the pain

I'm doing the things I've been told everyday, everyday, everyday
Then why does it feel like I'm moving in place, in a place, in a place?

I gotta believe that you're there
When I sing, when I sing, when I sing
Cause if you're not real then I'm losing my head, in my head, in my head

I keep my focus on the simple things
Trying to find some peace along the way

The song starts off with two lines that immediately grabbed my attention: “I keep my focus on the simple things, try to find some peace along the way.” My immediate reaction was “Amen, brother”. I think we all can relate to this line, and it especially rings true for us sober folk. “Easy Does it” and “Keep It Simple” are two of the phrases that any sober person reading this will recognize. As many of you know, my entire life over the last year has been dedicated to simplification and trying to find some semblance of peace. Needless to say, the song caught my attention from the start.

From there, Adkins describes that feeling that has plagued me for as long as I remember - the feeling of waiting until things one day magically get better, that one day everything makes sense, that one day all of my questions are finally answered. “Wish I knew how long I’m supposed to wait, holding on but just barely.” Yet another line that’s highly relatable. How many of us are always looking towards that imaginary future that one day all of our problems and all of our pain will be gone? How many of us get so lost in this that the present moment feels like something that just needs to be suffered through? I know I’m a culprit of both these things.

The pre-chorus is my favorite part of the song musically, mostly for it’s falsetto singing and melodic phrasing. It also is the part of the song that resonates with me most in this current period of my life. “Got the feeling I've been talking to a dead, dead line, always a reason to let it change. Is there anyone there listening while you cry, cry, cry?
Always a reason for the pain.” This describes my current struggle with God better than I ever could. I want to believe in Him, I want to believe in something greater than myself. I want to believe there’s a reason to change myself for the better, and I want to believe there’s a reason for all the pain I’ve experienced. But so often when I reach out, it feels like I’m talking to a dead line, and I end up wondering if I’m crazy for even trying.

The chorus (also very melodically pleasing) further elaborates on these sentiments. “I'm doing the things I've been told everyday, everyday, everyday. Then why does it feel like I'm moving in place, in a place, in a place?” As a man in recovery, there are certain things I need to do every day to keep my sober and spiritually fit. Attending meetings, working with newcomers, praying and making amends are included in these things. I find myself doing all these things - the things I’m told to do - everyday, without fail. But so often it feels like I’m looking for validation - like a big, spiritual experience is just around the corner if I just keep going. Nothing like that ever happens, and it feels like I’m stuck in place. Granted, I know that this is the folly of my own ego and my own expectations, but I’m not going to pretend that I don’t feel it.

The second verse is where things really get interesting. “Never had anything to prove, but never was anyone like you. All you fought through, all you had to face made you stronger, unafraid.” This can easily be interpreted as a lover or someone important to the writer, but for me it was something beyond that. Considering the purpose of this project is to explore belief and relationship with Christ, it’s no secret that it’s Him. Yeah, it might be a stretch, but that’s what’s so beautiful about music - it can be interpreted in endless ways. I’m not lying when I say that Jesus came to mind when I first heard that verse.

The remaining lyrics come towards the end of the song, as an extension of the chorus. “I gotta believe that you're there when I sing, when I sing, when I sing. Cause if you're not real then I'm losing my head, in my head, in my head". These lines really tie it all together for me by exposing what is perhaps my greatest fear. What if there’s no one out there? What if there’s no creator, no guide, no loving Power? What if that selfless man that I envisioned in the second verse was just an ordinary man, or didn’t exist at all? I know I said I don’t believe in God in yesterday’s post, but for me that has never looked like atheism. It’s more a creeping agnosticism, a defeated admission that I can’t truly believe because I can’t truly know. Giving up on the idea altogether, though, is petrifying. I think I’ll always have a seed of hope deep inside of me, if for no other reason than a belief in a meaningless world drive me insane. All of these topics will be discussed at length in future segments, but hats off to Jimmy Eat World for putting it all in one song and bringing it out of me.

Before I end, I want highlight the name of the song - “555”. This happens to be an angel number, and a quick search online yields these results:

Angel number 555, symbolizes spiritual guidance and learning. It is associated with transition, freedom and independence. It helps you foresee and manifest your ideal life with singularly motivated actions. However, five energy can also bring out itchy emotions and restlessness that make you change…

Now I’m not one to get all astrological, but it seems pretty fitting to kick off this literary spiritual journey I’m embarking on. A more in-depth analysis will turn up even more wild and synchronistic associations with the number, but that’s beyond my scope. I’ll leave it as just another little interesting Easter egg that makes this song even more special.

I’ll leave you with the music video for the song (which is really strange, unnerving and pleasing at the same time) and our prayer for the day, which will be the “Guardian Angel Prayer”:

Angel of God, my guardian dear,
to whom God’s love commits me here,
ever this day be at my side,
to light and guard, to rule and guide.

Amen.