Day 3 (72 hours)
Today, I starting to feel the purge. I won’t go into it in depth, but to sum it up, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom today. I can feel my body cleansing itself - it’s a very weird but very cool feeling. I had a moment today when the physical symptoms I’ve been experiencing were completely gone, and that was beautiful. They did come back, but it’s just more incentive to keep going. I’m surprisingly not hungry (although I did get really hungry late last night), and my mind is getting clear. My senses are sharpening, especially my vision, and I can feel my cognitive abilities improving. On top of all this, my caffeine consumption got down to 2 coffees (200 - 400 mg caffeine) today, and I can’t remember the last time I had that little. Unsurprisingly, my body is getting tired earlier, and my body’s rhythms are naturally balancing out.
All this from something so simple as not eating - pretty cool, huh?
I had periods of anxiety today, but overall, it was just an incredibly chill, inactive day. I can’t remember the last time I felt so okay with doing as little as possible. It felt freeing. I try so hard, and I burn myself into the ground. Over and over. My body is telling me that I need to let some of that go. Not all of it, just the parts that don’t serve me.
I’m getting more and more clear about the path ahead, both in terms of the things I’ll be doing and the energy I want to surround myself with. I don’t want to surround myself with “What if?” energy anymore. I don’t want to be beholden to the past or dream about an impossible future. I want to stay grounded, I want tangibility, I want Earth. I’ve carried the weight of the world on my shoulders for too long. It’s okay to let go.
I see the purpose behind everything that has happened to me, including all the “should’s” and “should not’s”. I’ve spent so much time wishing certain things were different, but I now feel like I’m opening my eyes to everything that’s right in front of me. It all lead me here. It led me to this place, and I like this place. I’m grateful for it all.
Life is too short to try and “change the things I cannot change”. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems.
It’s fascinating how the body and mind are so related. In order to experience a necessary mental purge, I needed to experience a physical one. It seems like that’s the only way I would let myself do it.
Every day is a rebirth. Literally.
Water is actually the most important thing. Not exercise, not diet, not sex, not pleasure, not self-improvement, not doctors, not money. Water, with sleep as a close second.
I have to scare myself into taking care of myself in the ways I actually need.
Innocence still exists. Values still exist. Respect still exists. This I have seen first-hand, and it brings me total, all-encompassing relief.
Simplify everything. Talk about simple things. Simplicity is the door to peace.
During the last 100 days, I was a caterpillar. This week, I’m a cocoon. Will I become a butterfly? What color will I be?
I’m craving physical touch. Not sexual, just warmth. I miss it, and I see how important it is.
As above, so below. As within, so without.