I went to my brother’s show tonight (which was incredible), and, unsurprisingly, I excused myself from the event as soon as I could after his set ended. Everyone around me was drinking and having a good time - I was engulfed in my internal world. I smiled and took up small conversation, but my being was…elsewhere. I decided I would walk home and clear my mind.
I’ve had one of the craziest weeks of my life. I’ve been having sobbing fits each day for the last 7 days, often multiple times a day. For all you worry warts, it’s alright. I’m not depressed. I’m not suicidal, and I’m not at all sad in relation to my life as a whole. I’m undergoing a test of faith unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and my eyes are only now seeing it for what it is.
In Varieties of Religious Experience, William James speaks of of the capacity for humans to have real, tangible mental shifts (It’s been quite awhile since I’ve read this, so bear with me if my recall isn’t exact). As a psychologist, he was well acquainted with the methods of change that could occur through psychology of the mind. In Varieties, he speaks of another method. He analyzes individual religious and spiritual experiences throughout history, and concludes that this seismic mental shift is possible through such experiences. This may sound a bit “woo-woo” to take seriously, but I’ve already experienced this once in my life and can attest to its truth.
It happened when I got sober. One day I was an alcoholic/drug addict who could not go a single minute without taking a drink or without being on some kind of stimulant. I remember thinking that a life without drugs and alcohol was not just improbable, but impossible. The next day I entered recovery, and shortly thereafter the desire to drunk and use drugs vanished completely. If you know anything about psychology, that just doesn’t happen. It takes months, even years to rewire the neural pathways. Mine happened within days, and the source was something I had previously dismissed - spirituality, or faith in a Higher Power.
I am undergoing an experience similar to this, although in many ways it is magnified. Sobriety was the key that opened the door to all of the misalignment and pain I hold within me. Walking through that door is a different beast. See, we all hold deep-seated beliefs, lines of ethics and morality and views of the world that have been ingrained in us since childhood. These help us survive in many ways, but they often can lead to judgement, despair, anger, confusion and a host of other negative expressions. I find myself in the process of rebuilding my entire internal framework, and, as I’ve learned, that comes with a sacrifice.
Breaking the molds we have formed in our minds (and bodies) requires us to access the deepest parts of our pain. Those things we think about and say, “No-fucking-way.” This is the land well beyond the lines we have drawn in our minds about what is good and what is evil, about what is safe and what is unsafe. Entering this space is not for the faint-hearted - it holds our deepest wounds and our worst fears. The type of pain that can be found here is not the "broke up with your girlfriend” type of pain. It’s a psycho-spiritual gnashing and gnawing that more closely resembles an exorcism. It’s a suffering that bleeds through all planes of existence - mental, physical and spiritual. It is ruthless; however, it is a necessary part of the process. To quote Robert Frost, “The best way out is always through.”
It’s easy to call ourselves compassionate.
It’s easy to call ourselves forgiving.
It’s easy to say the past is the past, let bygones be bygones.
It’s easy to claim freedom from jealousy, envy and hatred.
When we’re called to prove it, it’s not so easy. I find myself in a situation that is testing the limits of everything I believe in, of everything I hold dear, of the way I think everything should be. This is the ultimate test of faith. All I can do is ride the storm and trust that one day I will make it to safe harbor. That may not be today, that may not be in a week from today. That day will come in its own time, on its own accord. I know that what’s on the other side is everything I’ve always wanted and everything I’ve always wished to be. On the other side is love in it’s truest form.
I can’t give you much in terms of advice from this. Religious a.k.a. spiritual shifts are completely personal experiences that look different for each and every one of us. What I can be is “the finger that points to the moon” and tell you where to look, if it’s indeed the place you wish to go.
Look at your shadows.
Look at all of the things you despise and hate.
Look at all of the things you fear.
It’s these places that hold the potential for paradigm-shifting change. Most of us will never want to go there, most of us will never need to. For those brave souls who get the calling, you now know where to begin. The rest in in your hands.
I’ll be waiting for you on the other side.
There will always be events in life that leave us different than before. It is up to us to keep seeking and believing that He (God, Higher Power, "GUS" Guy Up Stairs) is working in our life. Just know, that the will of God will never take me where the grace of God won't protect me. Keep seeking the right stuff and you won't be disappointed. ;)