It’s been awhile since I’ve last written. I’ve been absent because I’ve been busy building my new contracting business, which has been somewhat overwhelming. I personally don’t think that’s a great excuse, but it is what it is. If I’m being honest with you, I’ve had some trouble sitting down and expressing my thoughts these last few weeks, and that has nothing to do with business or anything else. The pain that drove my creativity has been fading, and now I’m faced with a new dilemma:
What do I write about when I’m not in pain?
I’ve used pain as the motivational force for my creativity all my life, and historically I’ve had plenty of it. It’s helped me write some of the best material I’ve ever written, be it songs, poems - all of it, really. I find it easy to use creativity as an exorcising activity, using whatever stings the most at any given time. In the past few months I’ve redirected my life, done some incredibly deep work and reconnected with my Higher Power - now I find the pain that has haunted me for as long as I can remember has subsided. The bear is sleeping, and I don’t know what to do. Not yet at least.
I think there’s an element to creativity (at least my personal version of it) that can simply be described as “Look at me!”. Some of the best songs and poems I’ve ever written were created for the purpose of getting someone’s attention. “Maybe they’ll finally understand me” is an adequate mantra. I’ve always been looking for someone to understand, to see the deepest part of me, to bring me safety and comfort. In the past few weeks and months, this desire for validation has crumbled away. I’ve come to realize that the only person who can bring me the love I’ve so longed for is me. We hear this type of shit all the time in self-help books and motivational podcasts, but I have to admit, it’s true. The thing is, you can’t just think your way into self-love. No amount of bubble baths and psychedelic trips can get you there. It can be a gut-wrenching, horrific experience. But it is possible, and I am living it.
So what do I do now?
I’m no stranger to the human experience, and I know that pain, in whatever form, is destined to return. Life happens, people hurt us and we hurt them, and the wheel continues to spin. I’m okay with that. If everything was good all the time, nothing would be. For now, in this season of peace, I have the opportunity to find out what it is I really want to say. An opportunity to find a new source of creativity. It might be God, it might be love, it might just simply be my life. All I know is I have no plans to stop creating, and I intend to find it.
-D.O.