It’s been about two weeks since my last installment. I’m still going to write one hundred installments for this Confessions project, but at this rate it will probably take me over the hundred day mark.
That’s fine by me.
Life has gotten so big and so fast in these last few months it’s difficult to fathom. Most nights I barely have a minute to write, and when I do have the time I find that I’m already drained from the days activities - work, puppy, training, etc. It’s a beautiful life and I have no complaints, it just hasn’t been the most conducive for writing. Tonight I have time and energy, and I want to talk about Jesus.
I’m sure that for many of you, “talk about Jesus” brings up a palpable negative response. Only a few short months ago I was right there with you. On many levels - intellectually, metaphysically, logically - Jesus can be a tough sell.
The Son of God who came down from Heaven to offer himself as a sacrifice for humanity? Psh, yea right. Sounds like a pretty fantastic fairy tale made up to help people cope with the harsh realities of life. I could never quite get over that intellectual hump, which came as voice in the back of my mind telling me to “grow up” and accept “the scientific truths” of life. Those “truths” were bleak - God doesn’t exist, Jesus is a myth, no one can return from the dead, our existence is chance meaninglessness, etc. - but that didn’t stop me from wrestling with them. I’ve never been one to shy away from darkness. Even if the truth was grim, I preferred it raw and without any sugar-coating.
Over the course of a few years, wrestling with these ideas took me on a roller coaster ride, filled with the lowest lows I’d yet experienced. By the time I started this project I was clear of the depths, but those doubts still ruled my mind. I can’t quite say why I started this all in the first place, other than it was something I felt I should do. If I’m being brutally honest, I didn’t think it would change anything, let alone the very fabric of my life.
I still can’t give you details of specifics of how it all works. I can’t describe Heaven or rationally explain the Resurrection. Intellectually, I’m no better off than when I started. True to form, I’m still not a Bible thumper nor a fundamentalist, and most things I just don’t know; however, I now realize that I don’t need to understand in order to experience. That’s the key - experience. Without that, it’s all just a game of mental chess with myself (and I never seem to win).
There are a few things that I do know. A few months ago, I was going through the motions of life, unsatisfied with where I was at and the person I’d become. I decided to seek Jesus Christ, albeit doubtful and skeptical. I sought in earnest, and fought through all the negative voices in my head. I don’t know why or how, but soon my life started to change drastically.
I now live on my own in a beautiful beach town. I have a puppy and a pickup truck. I joined a church and listen to worship music (for those of you that know me, this is probably the biggest shock of all). None of this may seem that crazy but taken as a whole, my life on a day-to-day basis has taken a complete 180 degree turn. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like my life. I’ve never experienced so much change in such a short amount of time. I can’t help but question if that’s just a coincidence.
Best of all, the things I listed above are only the external things. They’re all cool and fun, but they pale in comparison to the internal shift that’s coincided with this change. Before I started this, I hadn’t cried in months. These days I cry pretty much every day, and not in the way that I used to. Pulling over on the side of the road to cry tears of gratitude with my puppy in my lap and a worship song playing is not an uncommon occurrence. I’m able to access depths of joy and wonder I never thought were possible. I can’t help but ask myself, “What the f*** is going on?”
The only answer I have is that for the first time in my life, I now experience Jesus Christ, in me and through me. He is my comforter, by Savior, by light and my King. All those titles I used to think were so implausible and cringy. I can’t explain to you how it works - it wasn’t like there was a lightbulb moment when I finally understood everything and my intellect was satisfied. I have no playbook or guidelines. I just opened my heart, slowly but surely, and he started to seep through the cracks.
I’m beginning to see the profundity in the message and life of Christ like I never have before. The concepts of shouldering our burdens, freeing us from our sins and conquering death are metaphysically extraordinary. I used to see these things as dead words, but through experience they have come alive to me. I have “Holy S***” moments on a daily basis (pun intended). The only word I can use to describe it is genius, and that’s not a word I ever thought I’d use to describe Jesus Christ.
I guess there’s no point to this story other than to relay my own experience. If nothing else, I have found Matthew 7:7 to be true - “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” I can’t help but think that so many of us - maybe even many of you - are trapped in the same abyss I was once trapped in. I’m here to say that there is an answer, if you so decide to seek it. As for any other advice, that’s above my pay grade.
After all, I’m not the moon…I’m just the finger that points at it.