Just ask the lonely
They know the hurt and pain,
Of losing a love, you can never regain-The Four Tops, “Ask The Lonely”
Loneliness.
Of all the feelings we encounter in this human experience, it is probably the one that is most avoided. No one wants to feel alone - myself included. There’s something about loneliness that brushes up with the most frightening parts of our existence, the fact that we’re social creatures that walk through this life with isolated minds. The experience of it is far from enjoyable - there’s a certain burning, an internal dread that asphyxiates the hearts of the lonely. It can be overwhelmingly painful, and for that reason it can bear the most beautiful, transformative fruit. Let me explain…
In our current times, the “cure” for loneliness is easy to find. There are innumerable options, from finding hookups online overnight, to numbing out with porn or mindless social media content, to flirting with a stranger at a grocery store. You can trust me when I say these will work, but not for long. They are only temporary solutions to a much bigger issue. The question isn’t how do I stop feeling lonely; it’s why do I feel this loneliness in the first place?
Unfortunately, finding the answer to the latter question is not an enjoyable process. There’s no way around it. The truth is, it’s really difficult to face ourselves. Take out the entertainment, the sex, the validation, the love - what else is left? That’s a question many of us never even get a chance to find out, and I see the negative (sometimes horrifying) effects of this everywhere. When that loneliness wound is left unresolved or numbed, we become magnets that attract the very things that will harm us. Wounded people attract wounded people - if there’s any rule to life that holds up, it’s that. Now, in this very moment, it’s my choice to finally face myself or once again take the easy way out.
After a summer filled with love, laughter and endless potential, I find myself back in the grips of loneliness. It’s easy to forget its unique sting, especially after experiencing love in a deep and profound way. I have been so close, yet so far, and I find myself back at square one; however, this time I have an opportunity to do something different. I have the opportunity to not seek the next shiny thing, to not numb the pain, to not cover up the wound. I have the opportunity to dive into myself and uncover my darkest parts - the things that I’ve wrestled with for the last five years but never had the capacity to face. I have the opportunity to change the things I once thought unchangeable. There’s no option now but to face these things head on, and it couldn’t come at a better time.
In ten days, I’m shipping off to Ireland for a few weeks. I’m going to be working on a farm, digging potatoes (I’m not kidding). I’m sure I will have a ton of fun, but that is not my primary purpose. This idea of going to Ireland was always about seeking something greater - something like a spiritual experience. There is a loneliness - a sadness - that exists within me, and thus far I have only seen it echoed in the Irish poets of old. Something in the depths of my soul tells me that I need to go where it all originated - the home of my ancestors - to mourn, to grieve, and to let go. It’s hard to explain, but I’m not going to Ireland to take anything from it - I’m going there to leave a part of myself behind.
There is much more to be revealed, but for now I am learning once again how to embrace the silence of being with myself. Each season of loneliness seems to sting less and less, and that’s true for this time around as well. That’s not to say there are not moments of despair and darkness, but I’ve grown to understand that these are not such a bad thing.
The path from loneliness to solitude is not linear, and I’m making my way there one day at a time.
-D