Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
-Matthew 5:3=[
I’ve been told that I have a penchant for darkness in my writing. On this point, I would agree (hah!) Especially during those periods when the events surrounding my life reflect that darkness, I can’t help but let it bleed through my writing. It has been suggested to try to avoid that - that people don’t want to read it. Perhaps that’s true, but if I’m being honest that’s never been the point of all this.
If I wanted praise and admiration, I’d write about my exploits and strengths. I’d fill these pages with tales of old lovers and conquests and all the “great” things I’ve done in my life. In truth, I’ve done a lot of interesting things. Maybe I’d get more subscribers. Maybe I’d get more likes. There are times when I think I’d like that, but those times are few and far between. It’s just never been the goal?
So then, what is the goal, Denis? I don’t really know how to put it into words, but it feels like a yearning and a seeking - for life, for love, for connection. Like a holy-shit-guys-what-the-fuck-are-you-not-experiencing-the-insanity-of-this? I’m trying to find meaning, trying to find connection, trying to find, dare I say, God - whatever that means with my eyes and my heart open. I’ve been this way all my life, and I don’t think there’s any endeavor that’s more worthwhile.
All that is to say, that although there have been some periods of torment, that is not the case today. I’m happier and more content than I’ve ever been. Life has its ups and downs, but my relationship with both has changed dramatically. I am fortunate enough to know love in a way that’s gentle, passionate and peaceful. If I lived in a complete vacuum, I wouldn’t need anything more than I have today. But hey, life is life, and we must march forward…
I wanted to introduce today’s segment like this because it might come across as self-deprecating. In today’s culture, we don’t like that at all. In the era of mental health, I find that the line between humbling oneself and hating oneself is often quite blurred, from both writer and reader alike. As I stated in yesterday’s segment, I come from the lineage of C.S. Lewis, and there has never been a writer who so often humbled himself in his writing. I find that to be one of the most beautiful, touchings about his writing and writing in general, so no matter how I feel, it’s always going to be a part of my voice. Today is no exception.
In this weird, messy exploration of Christianity, I wanted to take a minute to sit with myself and locate all of my blind spots. I’m a human and I have many, and I want to identify them and get them out. That was the thing that I always loved about Lewis - I felt like I could trust him, like he wasn’t ever putting one over on me, like he practiced what he preached. It’s only right that I hold myself to the same standard.
In no particular order, here’s what I’ve come up with:
I grew up in a Catholic household. I was an alter boy and a choir boy. In my adult life, I was a lector (someone who reads at church). Granted, I spent plenty of time away from this religion, but it has its roots in me. I’m sure those roots run deeper than I can ever imagine.
I have a desire for God to exist. I have a dog in this fight, so to speak. I don’t want to live in a world that is devoid of meaning, that is completely up to me - I’ve lived that life and it was tragic. The implications of this are huge, as this bias undoubtedly permeates through everything I write and speak. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it just is.
I am a hypocrite. I say I want to be spiritual. I espouse the message and ways of Christ, yet I am completely consumed by the material world. My heart is filled with lust and resentment, and they go deep.
I fluctuate between the two poles of rationality and spirituality. One moment I’ll be one hundred percent confident there is a world beyond our own, the next moment I’ll be just as sure there isn’t. There is little consistency within me.
I have an ego, and it wants attention. I’ve thought about this one often. There’s an egotistical element of writing in general. I could just as well make this Substack a journal that I keep for myself, but I don’t. Sure, I want to relate to people and I want to help people, but I’d be lying if I said my motives were entirely pure. There’s a part of me that loves the fact that other people read what I have to say.
That’s all that comes to mind, but I’m sure there’s plenty more that I can’t see. My intention is to keep these things in mind as I continue on this journey.
By the looks of it, I’m not qualified for any of this…
Who really is, anyway?
And you, Lord, meet me in my poverty.
You not only meet my needs, but you pour out blessings upon me.
You take my poverty of spirit and give back the riches of your Spirit.
You uphold me when I'm weak.
-Amen