I remember the way I felt 5 years ago very clearly. I was living on my mom’s couch because I couldn’t afford to keep an apartment. I was barely hanging on to my corporate job. I had been taking regular trips to the ER for stomach pain and all sorts of internal issues – the doctors called it “IBS” and “Colitis” and other flashy names. In truth, underneath the physical pain, I was suffering from a spiritual malady, a complete hopelessness. I could no longer live amongst my peers in society. I could no longer go a single day without putting drugs and alcohol in my system. Life had lost all meaning. There was nowhere to go, nothing to strive for, nothing to gain. I was stuck on a big rock floating in an infinite universe just waiting for the lights to go out. I was, quite literally, watching myself die. And that was fucking terrifying.
Then I got sober.
The circumstances around my path to sobriety will be covered in later writing, but let’s just say this was the life preserver I always knew I needed but didn’t know was there. Everything changed from the moment I admitted I was an addict and asked for help. I had recovered not only my body but my entire purpose for existing. In a world where many people wander around aimlessly, I found my purpose built into my path of recovery: to help others who are going through what I went through.
It’s that simple, but this was a revelation to me. A reincarnation, if you will. I had spent the first 26 years of my life with the lens focused on myself: What could I gain? How could I get where I want to go? What’s in it for me? I thought I was a selfless person because I did some nice things for people (sometimes), but the truth was my perspective in everything I did was centered around me. Now that I didn’t have a choice, now that my recovery was based primarily on my ability to help others, I was forced to look outside of myself. And for the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt like a human being. I felt like I knew why I was here. I felt like I could be a part of society. I didn’t have any answers as to why I was made or where I will go when I die, but I did have an action I could take on any given day, at any given moment. I could help someone who needed it. I could shine a little light on what I once thought was a cold, harsh world. And that’s a flame that can never be extinguished – there’s always someone who needs help. Always.
Once this shift occurred in my life, I found I could finally breathe enough to take a step back and see what I wanted. I realized that in order to be of most help to other people, I needed to help myself first. I needed to get my body (strength), mind (skill) and soul (spirit) firing again. So, I started experimenting with all types of fitness routines, from calisthenics to bodybuilding. And I fell in love with Olympic weightlifting and the Bronze Era strongmen. I reacquainted myself with music as a sober man, and started to hear everything in a new way and create more meaningful art. And I gained a connection with a power greater than myself that I didn’t think would ever be possible for me. It was a combination of these things that led me to create Modern Bronze. And it began with the decision to let go of myself, a decision that I have to make again each and every day. My life depends on it.
If you are lost, remember this: You can always help someone. That is not a unique privilege of sobriety. But it is a great start on the path to a meaningful life. Look around your circle – your family, friends, coworkers, neighbors – and I guarantee you will find an ocean of pain. That’s just a side effect of being human that no one can escape. Go the extra mile, ask someone how their day went. You just might be the exact person they needed to speak to today.
I’ll leave you with the Saint Francis Prayer. If you’re not religious in any way or are of a different faith, feel free to replace the word “Lord” with any word you choose. The truth in this prayer resonates for all people, regardless of appearances or beliefs.
“Lord, make me a channel of thy peace;
That where there is hatred, may I bring love;
That where there is wrong, may I bring the spirit of forgiveness;
That where there is discord, may I bring harmony;
That where there is error, I may bring truth;
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
That where there is despair, I may bring hope;
That where there are shadows, I may bring light;
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
To understand, than to be understood,
To love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.
Amen.”