Charlie's Classroom

Big life lessons in a tiny package...

As I continue to seek inspiration and come up short, it dawned on me that I have a little ball of pure inspiration that follows me on a daily basis. For those of you that don’t know, I’m referring to my five-month old puppy, Charlie. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but I’m not here to gush (at least not today). It’s been a few months since I’ve visited the deep canyon of lessons that Charlie is constantly teaching me, so I figure today is a good day to do so.

First, I must start with an admission…I made a mistake.

I was in a budding relationship, and all things looked promising. Then I started to get in my head. Traumas of the past slowly started to creep up and with them came fears. Almost unconsciously, my walls started to come up. Pride, projections and panic took the helm, setting off my flight response. I said something I shouldn’t have said, and with those words lost something that otherwise held tremendous promise.

I suppose that’s the nature of new relationships - they’re fragile. One wrong word or action could be the end, despite best intentions. What I will say is that this time around, my mistakes were not of the scale they used to be. I didn’t lie or cheat (or whatever that weird, gray-area thing is when you sleep with other people when you’re not technically “dating” someone”). I was honest and true. When I realized that I stepped over a line, I immediately made amends and did everything I could to remedy the situation and rectify the harms done. Even then, it wasn’t enough, and I say that with no blame or resentment towards anyone but myself. Seeking forgiveness does not mean everything turns out like I want it to. Sometimes, I just have to lie in the bed I’ve made for myself. That, my friends, is life on life’s terms.

So, you ask, what does Charlie have to do with any of this?

Well, let me tell you about Charlie. I like to refer to him as a “mistake machine”. His entire life is filled with mishaps, blunders and errors.

“Charlie, why’d you poop on the rug?”

“Charlie, don’t eat THAT!”

“Charlie, get down from there!”

“Charlie, no biting!”

“Charlie, no humping!”

You get the idea. One minute after the next, the little fella is getting himself into one predicament after another. The thing is, he doesn’t ruminate on a single thing he does “wrong”. Sure, he’ll give me the sad boy face when he knows he’s messed up, but he’ll be onto another mess within minutes. He’s not exactly a quick learner, but let’s be honest - what puppy is? Early into puppy fatherhood I thought that maybe he’d never learn anything, that maybe I was not equipped for this and he would never grow out of certain behaviors. Over the course of the past few months, however, I’ve started to notice some things…

He poops and pees in the house less. He nibbles fingers less. He’s starting to somewhat get the hang of walking on a leash (even though he insists on walking himself most of the time). Yesterday I took him for his first beach run, and he was off-leash the entire time and listened to every word I said. A few months ago, I didn’t think that would be possible. It seems that he is changing, albeit very slowly. I haven’t been able to see change in him from one day to the next, but over the course of three months the change is striking. The mistake machine is consistently trending upward, and that leaves me with only one question - am I not the same? It seems that Charlie isn’t the only mistake machine that lives under this roof.

The truth is, I’m never going to be perfect. I’m always going to make mistakes, but as long as I’m trending upward, there will be gradual growth. Sure, it’s frustrating as hell, and I still have to deal with remorse and regret; however, it’s equally true that change is occurring. What used to take months now takes days. I’m more conscious of my actions, especially when I know I’m wrong, and I’m more willing to set the ego aside and rectify them. The rest is and always will be out of my control.

I also think it’s worth it to look at my own perspective in terms of Charlie. As I’m sure you can imagine, he can be a handful. There are days when I feel completely unqualified and underprepared. He can make me more angry than any human ever has. All this to say, I’ve never - not even for a second - not loved him. I’ve never shunned him or turned my back on him or thought about giving him away. Hell, sometimes I find pure joy in the hilarity of his mistakes. My love for him is completely unconditional (well, mostly - the snuggles are pretty great), and it serves as a reminder that I, too, am loved unconditionally. I call this God, but it’s so much bigger than words. It’s everything, the very sinew of life itself. No matter how many times I fall, this life remains on my side. I just have to remember that.

This analogy applies to relationships, too. I’m never going to be a perfect partner, and I’m never going have a perfect partner. All I can do is identify and rectify my wrongs as quickly as possible and do my best to not repeat them. If I expect to be treated with grace in my mistakes, I must also offer that same grace to others. None of it’s easy, and I’ve never really been good at any of it, but I’ll take a page from Charlie’s book and keep on falling upwards. It’s a simple choice because it’s the only one I’ve got.

P.S. This was good night of writing for me. As is the nature of these things, I wrote this in a backdrop of sadness. Rather than ruminate and regret, I was able to express and create. That always feels good.

Thanks for reading.