Today, I have to start off with a confessions: I have trust issues.
I didn’t always. When I was a child and life was full of promise, I didn’t have a problem trusting anyone or anything. I can vaguely recall that feeling - that the universe was always on my side, that something good was always around the next corner, that the people I met and interacted with always had the best intentions.
Somewhere along the way I lost all that. Maybe it was from learning about the atrocities we human beings have committed against each other. Maybe it was from those closed door conversations where I realized just how far we’d be willing to go for sex, money and power. Maybe it was from a broken heart after the woman I loved chose another man. Regardless of the source, the truth is that despite my best intentions, life beat the trust out of me.
Without a foundation of trust, life can be a scary thing. Men become competition that must either be beaten or discarded. Women become sirens capable of betrayal at any given moment. Beauty itself becomes suspicious, “the devil in disguise”. All the fruits that life has to offer - joy, peace, serenity - get whisked away and isolation and loneliness take their place. Life devolves into a prison of low expectations, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s not a fun place to be.
Worst of all is that after living in that prison long enough, I lost the trust of the one person I thought would always have my back: myself. Without any real conscious thought, I started doing all the things I said I’d never do. I started to become all the things I despised. I became the one who could not be trusted, and somewhere along the way the “victim” became the perpetrator. Perhaps it was a way to protect myself from being hurt, but that’s a pretty lame excuse.
These days I don’t find myself behaving in those same ways, but the remnants of those experiences still persist. There’s still a voice in my head that tells me to be aware of all people, to be aware of the universe itself. No matter how much sobriety time I have, no matter how much work I do on myself, that voice always seems to persist. As I’m sure you know, it’s tiring - walking on eggshells all the time takes it’s toll. As recent as six months ago I was resolved to wash my hands of the whole thing and live my life as a hermit (a slight exaggeration, but you get the point). It seems that God had other plans for me.
Enter Charlie, my five-month old puppy.
I’ve had Charlie since he was about seven weeks old, and from the first day I took him home he has loved everything. That includes people, other dogs, even inanimate objects. When we go walks, he seeks out every living being he possibly can, jumping on every stranger that will let him and wrestling with every dog that’s up to the task. Granted, not every person (nor dog) enjoys this, but he certainly does. He’s the most personable creature I’ve ever met, and he’s not even a person! He’s just a baby, filled with wonder and awe and curiosity, and it’s infectious. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve already met simply because Charlie forced me into the situation. Previously when I went out into the world I kept to myself, eyes down. Now, I have to be prepared to talk to each and every stranger that walks by. Needless to say, it took some getting used to.
What I’ve come to realize that Charlie is just a little ball of trust, not unlike the child that I once was. He doesn’t care about a person’s backstory or how they look - he will try to jump on them regardless. The irony of it all is that he had a very difficult first few weeks of life - he was malnourished, mistreated and nearly died. Does that stop him? Not even for a second. He’s the king of love-jumps, and by all accounts he is not looking to relinquish his throne any time soon.
In this respect, I have already learned so much from him. We go out into the world, and we trust it. There’s no questioning, no thoughts otherwise. Sometimes, it won’t work out. There will people who want no part in Charlie’s love-jumping, just as there will be people who will let me down. Unfortunately that’s life, but the difference today is that these things don’t have to stop us. Trusting people, trusting the world, trusting life itself - it’s a beautiful way to live. It feels like a weight I’ve been carrying on my shoulders for decades has finally been lifted.
I have Charlie to thank for that.
Dogs are great mindfulness gurus: They teach us the simplicity of things, and remind us to be silly, to stay curious, to forgive and forget, to be loyal to those who love us, to stop and smell the roses (and everything else), to appreciate every moment we meet and to always enjoy the journey (Google)
Once we get that change in perspective, we can be free. Life is good, life is bad, but it is just easier because I am sober.
Unconditional Love !!!!