From Darkness Into Light

Alchemy on the inside...

Last year, I went through one of the darkest periods of my life (and I’ve seen my fair share of darkness). It got to a point where each and every day was mental hell, a kind of torture I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. The only word that comes to mind in describing it is sadness, although it wasn’t the “depression” kind. The Agony in the Garden comes to mind. I so desperately wanted to change the past, to change the course of fate itself. I came face to face with my own darkness, and in turn saw the entirety of the pain and suffering that we humans inflict upon each other. It was big. It was bad. It was scary.

Throughout this period, I made the choice to do all the “right” things. I faced it. I sat with it through long, sleepless nights, allowing myself to feel every emotion in its entirety. I stayed sober, stayed healthy and kept fighting. I felt a glimmer of faith inside me that this would all lead me somewhere, but I couldn’t see where. It was all doom and gloom, and I found myself growing impatient.

I thought to myself, “I’m doing all the things I’m supposed to do, why won’t this go away?” I was expecting all of the deep work to just pay off overnight, and one day I would finally be “happy” again. That’s certainly not how it went. Days passed, then weeks, then months - more and more of the same. It began to feel like I would be locked inside the prison of my mind forever, stuck in some sadistic limbo. Then, time passed. Then it passed some more, and a strange thing began to happen.

I noticed myself changing, not overnight, but with time. I stayed true to myself and made choices that changed what my outer world looked like, to align it more with what I really wanted. Then, slowly, my inner world started to follow. There were no ecstatic “eureka” moments. There were no life-changing psychedelic trips. It just, I don’t know, happened. My mind changed. My outlook changed. I changed.

Without consciously realizing it, I found myself in a world that felt lighter, softer and more serene. My heart opened up, and possibility and curiosity returned. I wasn’t the same as before, but I didn’t even notice what happened. Sure, there were times when the darkness knocked, but I found a new strength that I didn’t have before. I didn’t have any doubt that I could handle whatever it is that came my way. Perhaps most peculiar, I looked back upon the experience in its entirety - the months of anguish included - and couldn’t help but see it all as beautiful. The version of me from only a few months before would have scoffed at such a proposition, if not worse. Funny how it all works, eh?

I think we all want healing to come quickly. We want light, happiness, joy, acceptance - all of the “things” - and we want them yesterday. We want shortcuts, and to that end we convince ourselves that we’ve completed what in reality hasn’t even begun. I know I did. What I had to learn is that to get to the light, I needed to go through darkness. It was more intense and longer than I expected, but it wasn’t going to happen on my time. It was up to the will of God, the will of the Universe, the natural Way - I just had to hold onto the boat until the storm passed.

-D