Getting Honest
It’s time to get honest.
For the last week weeks, I’ve been phoning it in.
Part of that is due to an overwhelming work and training schedule. Part of that is due to raising a puppy. Most of it, however, is from the fact that my heart simply hasn’t been in it.
My life has changed dramatically throughout this process. I’ve taken on more responsibilities in the last two months than I know what to do with, and they all came effortlessly. When I started this, I was desperately seeking a foundation to walk on. I got that and so much more, but where does that lead me now?
At this stage, I have the desire to take my exploration in Christianity offline and into the world. Rather than write about it, I want to live it. I also don’t want to continue to alienate many of the people who supported me from the beginning. I found exactly what I was looking for and said everything I wanted to say, and now I feel it’s time to make a change. The only problem is, I committed to this for one hundred days, and I don’t take commitments lightly.
I am going to finish what I set out to do, but maybe what I write won’t be so…zealous. In order to be true to myself I need to write honestly about what comes to my mind, and right now those things are scattered and not necessarily directly related to this specific journey. The initial month and a half of this journey was filled with joy and fire and passion, and all of these have leveled out. As with all things in life, the flow is followed by the ebb. Despite my initial pink cloud not lasting too long, I couldn’t be happier with how it’s all gone down.
In less than a month this project will be over, and I will be moving on to something completely new. While I’m excited about the future, I don’t want to just phone in these last few weeks and eek across the finish line. All I can do is continue to write, continue to learn and continue to be as true to myself as I possibly can be.
The rest is sure to fall into place.
Deciphering A Dream
Last night I had a dream.
A woman I loved - one who left my life not long ago - had an affair with one of my closest friends. All I remember is the deep dread that ripped apart my insides and the words that came out of my mouth:
I thought we’d be together again someday.
Let’s be clear - none of this actually happened, but I found the whole experience quite enlightening. I didn’t realize how much I’ve been white knuckling by own emotional experience the last few months. I found Jesus, moved my own two-bedroom apartment and got a puppy - and these things covered any holes that may have been left opened.
The truth is, I never cried. I never mourned. I shut myself off completely and dismissed the entire experience. I’m old enough now to realize that when I do that the pain of the loss is greater, not lesser. It’s that funny thing us humans are so good at doing - blocking out the really painful things.
I didn’t know any of these things until I had this dream. No, it didn’t change the state of affairs or anything about my current reality, but it illuminated something I couldn’t see. What makes it strange is that I haven’t been able to remember a single dream in months. I’ve spoken a lot about intuition on this journey, and now it’s time that I trust it. This dream is telling me something, and I intend on listening.
I don’t yet know what to do, but the action will follow now that the awareness has come. I do feel overwhelmed, stagnant and blocked, and perhaps this has something to do with it. What I felt in that dream was everything I’ve been avoiding, and I think it’s time to face it all. If I’m being honest, this will probably mean more poetry in the weeks to come.
The main lesson of this experience is to trust myself. My gut, my intuition and even my dreams. There are parts of me - parts that I liken to the Holy Spirit - that are always trying to tell me something.
It’s up to me if I choose to listen or not.
And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth.
- John 14:16
The Alien
For this topic, I want to dive deep into my psyche to see what’s rattling around up there. I think italics and removing punctuation will be fitting for the occasion…
it seems that no matter where i go i’m lost i cannot find my reflection in anyone or anything why am i unable to find others who see the world like me no matter where i go i feel like an alien who doesn’t belong too hot too cold i just don’t know how to blend in and be like everyone else and receive the same rewards and pleasures as everyone else when i was a boy i caught on to the idea of making my own way and following my heart and being true to myself and in adulthood this seems to always lead me further into isolation i’m just a soul whose intentions are good oh lord please don’t let me be misunderstood yet misunderstood i am the ways of the world continue to baffle me and confuse me just as i continue to baffle those i encounter it is a paradox that i simply cannot break some days i see the beauty in that other days i wish i was someone else every time i create something i so deeply wish for someone to see my soul yet my soul remains hidden locked away in exile there are some who know parts of me deeply but i am too many parts and none see them all are these the machinations of my own mind or am i simply not of this world
If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.
- John 15:18