It’s about time I tried something new. I did a professional photoshoot a few weeks ago, and my intention was to capture all of the hard work and dedication I’ve put into my body over the last five years. It’s been almost five years since I got sober, and it’s been five years since physical training has become a cornerstone of my life. At first I thought I would just post the photos with some corny captions, but that didn’t feel right. Instead, I’ve decided to select photos a week a time, and write about how they inspire me. This first photo is one of my favorites, and for me it brought up one of the most important concepts in my life: ikigai. I’ve written about this before, but there’s certainly no harm in revisiting the subject.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines ikigai as “a motivating force; something or someone that gives a person a sense of purpose or a reason for living”. It is a term that originated in the Heian period in Japan, and has been reinvented and popularized in Japanese culture since.
This nifty little diagram sums it up perfectly:
Ikigai is the intersection of what you love, what you are good at, what the world needs and what you can be paid for. Sure, it’s easy enough to find things you love. It’s easy enough to find things you’re good at. On the other hand, to find something that hits all four categories — that’s perhaps one of life’s most difficult endeavors. It took me thirty-one years to find my ikigai, and I want to tell you about how it happened for me.
Before we get there, I want to make something very clear — I’m not giving advice, I’m not telling you how to do anything, nor am I urging you to do anything I’ve done. The thing about ikigai is it’s based wholly on the individual, so my ikigai is not yours. You will not find your ikigai from anything I say, but in reading my story perhaps it will inspire you on the path to finding your own. Let’s dive in.
For the majority of my life, I lived in the places right on the border of ikigai. I was outside the temple looking in, so to speak — so very close but not quite there. I found things that gave me delight and fulfillment — things I was really good at — but I could not find a way for them to bring me wealth. Music, writing and training come to mind here. I’ve been a musician all my life (check out Windy Crankage and The Post Nobles on Spotify — you’ll be pleasantly surprised), and I’ve been able to achieve moderate success and write some really incredible songs — but I never could find a way to monetize my music in such a way that I could live off of it. My writing is similar, although I’m certainly a much younger writer. It’s been almost a year of writing (somewhat) consistently, and I haven’t the slightest clue how to monetize this, or if I even want to. The truth is, I just love making music and writing — the other stuff (e.g. growing a following) doesn’t interest me at all. That’s not a bad thing, but it certainly doesn’t help for monetizing any of my creative endeavors. Throughout my life I’ve carried the weight of shame and self-loathing around all of this — after all, if I can’t get paid, am I even any good? Only recently have I found the answer to this question, but I’ll get there a little later.
Similar problems and questions bubbled up in my training life, especially recently as the years of hard work have begun to show themselves. I’ve found a style of training and eating — well, a style of living really — that works in perfect harmony with who I am and how I want to use my body. I’ve never taken a performance enhancing drug in my life (I don’t even drink protein powder), yet my strength and physique keep improving year after year. Naturally, I’ve gotten a ton of feedback that I should “do something” with this. Some say I should put more time into growing my social media presence, others say I should start taking on clients and become a personal trainer. I’ve dabbled with both of these things, and I’ve found that I don’t really like either of them. They just don’t resonate with me. Sure, I’ll post my lifts on my Instagram and do photoshoots, but that’s about my limit. I have no interest in becoming an influencer or anything of the sort, nor do I have any interest in training people for money. My philosophy around training doesn’t jive with either of those paths at the moment. I love training and I’m very good at it, but again I find myself up against obstacles that make monetizing it difficult. Just like in music and in writing, I could choose to take this path, but I know it would go against the principals of who I am. The path to ikigai is not swimming upstream, it’s one of harmony.
So, how have I made money in my adult life? By working a job I didn’t like in an industry I cared nothing for. I want to reiterate here that this is my story — just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean it’s “bad” or “less than”. It’s just one man’s subjective experience. Up until April of this past year, I worked in professional services firms in the finance/consulting industry. I worked in this industry for eight years, and felt crippling resistance to it the entire time. Work meeting, zoom calls, professional etiquette — my soul squirmed at all of these things. Unsurprisingly, I was a pretty shitty employee (if any of my former coworkers are reading this, I hope you get a laugh). I cut corners, put things off until the last minute, stayed stagnant in my role and engaged in a battle with myself on a daily basis. For years I thought there was something seriously wrong with me, like I couldn’t grow up, like I couldn’t become an adult like everyone else, like I was suffering from some sort of Peter Pan syndrome. The anxiety and shame around this was crippling. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t pretend to be something I wasn’t. After all, this job afforded me so many things — a luxury apartment, the ability to buy healthy food, social status. Why couldn’t I just get over it? I struggled through the days to get through work, then finally was able to feel like myself during the nights of training, writing and making music.
(I just want to say here that this in no way reflects the companies I worked for or the people I worked with. I had incredible mentors who would would give an arm and a leg for me, I worked with incredible kind and loving people, and I had a really good job all things considered. My issues were all my own, all in conflict with myself and my own purpose.)
For me, things changed quickly. So quickly in fact that it’s still hard to believe. Around 8 months ago I started working weekends with my Uncle Paul, a successful residential contractor. I don’t even remember how it all came together, I just know I was in a really tough place mentally and needed something to do to get my mind off things, and I wanted to make a little extra money. I had no idea that one decision could so drastically change my life. Over the course of half a year, Paul taught me more than I learned in 4 years of college. For the first time, I got to witness a true master at work, and I was more than willing to assume the role of apprentice — it was exactly what I needed. We spent mornings drinking coffee and talking about life, and I came to understand how he became so good at what he did — he loved it. I’ll never forget what he told me when I asked him why, after decades of this work, he still did it.
“It turns off the noise”.
After a decade of wrestling with the process of self-discovery and trying to find my purpose, these words sent shockwaves throughout my entire body. That’s exactly what happens when I train. That’s exactly what happens when I’m writing a song. That’s exactly what’s happening as I’m writing this now. The only difference was, he found a way to get paid for it. As the weeks turned into months, this man’s love of his craft began to blossom within me. I started to look forward to weekends, to the next project, to the next problem to be solved. I started to fall in love with the work. I started to fall in love with the peace.
I can’t help but think that the sequence of events that followed were divinely inspired. After a beautiful conversation with my boss at my day job (who is one of the most incredible human beings I’ve ever met), I decided to quit and try to find a way to make my own path. Through some miracle, I was able to stay on in a limited capacity for a few months as I found my footing. I thought about all of my paths — my music, my training, my writing — and how I could make money doing all of them. I experimented and ran into the same problems I always had. Little did I know, the answer was staring me right in the face. One night I had a conversation with my cousin, an NYPD EMT who was looking to grow his side contracting business, and we decided to become partners. As they say, “the rest is history”.
I now co-own and operate my own contracting company, and business is booming. I just finished my first major job to glowing reviews, and my team and I completed the job with what felt like an impossible deadline. My brothers and sister and cousins have all worked for me, and we have an absolute blast. If you do a quality job, work is actually allowed to be fun — who would have thought? I’m certainly not the best contractor nor carpenter, and I have the least amount of technical experience in most situations I encounter, but I have one thing going for me that trumps all — my ikigai. I love building things. I love solving problems for people. I love when all the negative thoughts and noise in my mind goes quiet. Because of that, there’s no situation I can’t handle. If you believe there’s always a solution, there always will be. Sure, I’ve been met with plenty of skepticism and resistance by doubters, but that’s fine with me. My work speaks for itself, and what other people think about me and my life is really none of my business.
I’ve found my ikigai, and it’s changed my life. I wake up every day excited about what challenges I’m going to face instead of dreading my responsibilities. I make my own schedule, dictate how much sleep I get every night, and I’m able to make plenty of room for all the other things I love. I train, make music and/or write every single day — and I don’t feel shame that I’m not making significant money on any of these things. I’m back in touch with all the reasons I fell in love with them the first place, and it all just feels right. It’s amazing how being in touch with my purpose has spread it’s influence throughout every area of my life. Last winter, everything felt so dark. This summer, the light shines brighter than it ever has.
I know that there will be plenty of challenges and struggles in the path ahead, but that’s just life on life’s terms. Money will come, money will go — the nature of my ikigai may even change. That’s all okay with me. For today, I have a taste of what people mean when they say “find your purpose”. The world will always need people to build things, and I’ll happily assume that role.
-D
P.S. Some pictures from my last job :)