Part I: Invisible Walls
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
-Matthew 28: 19-20
I find writing easy, at least in the sense of expressing myself as best as I can. It gives me the opportunity to reflect, to take my time and to find exactly what I want to say. I still can’t believe it took me three decades to realize this.
Conversation, on the other hand, does not come easy. I can’t tell you how often I engage in conversation - with women, clients, even friends - and I can’t find the right words to say. I know I want to say something, but the words just don’t come. It’s almost like the very act of speaking is just a few seconds ahead of what my brain can optimally process. If I had a full minute to respond in conversation, I think I’d be just fine, but that’s just not how it goes. I often find myself stuck, and the result of that is usually awkward silence or a response that’s far from what I actually intended. It’s like there’s an invisible wall between me and the person in front of me, and I’ve never been able to truly break through it.
I’m starting to realize that I’m being called to do more than just write. Sure, I can sit behind these keyboard and type my musings for the rest of my life, but how much good would that actually do in the world? Jesus’ words in Mathew 28 come to mind here, as He clearly challenged his followers to go out into the world and spread His message.
To be clear, I have no intention of becoming an evangelist - I’ve always been turned off by that in-your-face, guerilla-style preaching. My intuition tells me that’s not the answer, and I trust it. Instead, I’m looking at Jesus’ command from a different perspective, one that is personal to me. My challenge is to overcome the limitation that has restricted me my whole life - the invisible wall - and express myself in the world through speech and conversation. Any messages I believe in or am trying to portray will spread naturally just by engaging with people. The problem is, I have no idea where to begin.
This feeling has been rising within me for the last few weeks, and I’ve begun to take specific notice of it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched myself freeze and been completely powerless over it. Even in the most mundane situations, like small talk with a stranger in line at the grocery story, my mind just locks up. I become the guy who talks about the weather.
I don’t know much, but I know for certain that I have more to offer to this world than weather updates.
I’ve struggled with this my entire life, so I don’t expect it will just up and leave. I can force myself into conversations, but I’ve tried that before and its effects aren’t long-lasting. I think the invisible wall is yet another element of being that must die. It’s kept me safe and protected thus far, but it no longer serves me and my message. My inclination towards isolation is just another cog in the perpetual wheel that is my self, and I’ve convinced myself on the deepest level it’s “who I am”. All that must end. The chains must be broken.
As with many other things in my life, I cannot change this alone. I’ve tried that for years, and like clockwork I always retreat into the comfort of what I know, of what is familiar. Only through God and through Christ can I hope to change such a fundamental part of myself, even if it’s a fundamental lie. So, I won’t plan. I won’t try to think myself out it. I won’t try to do anything.
Instead, I’ll pray. I’ll ask for the invisible wall to be lifted. I’ll set my belief that the day will soon come when I’ll finally be free.
Part II: Invisible Ceiling
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
-John 8:32
Just as there are invisible walls all around me, there is also an invisible ceiling. It has been built my entire life based on my experiences and my beliefs about myself. It’s nestled deep within my subconscious - in the place that I can’t quite get to - and it dictates everything I do in my life. It looks something like this:
You’re never going to be able to buy a house.
You’re never going to have kids because you’re never going to find someone you can spend your life with.
You’re never going to be able to find a partner because you’re too strange.
You’re never going to get all the things you want because you’re never going to grow up.
You tried, you came pretty close, but it’s over now and you’ll never be able to get the things you dreamed of and hoped for.
These are just a few of the near-infinite tiles that make up the invisible ceiling. Let me be clear - none of these things are real. I know that, but I also know I don’t actually believe that. I can sit here and tell you all the things I want to believe, but that would be quite different than the things I actually believe at a core level. It’s strange - it’s almost like the part of myself that believes these things to be true isn’t even me. It’s some kind of gargoyle birthed in my mind, separate from who I actually am, who’s fed off of all of the anxieties and fears I’ve encountered in my life. I guess I’m wondering why he’s running the show and I’m not. Hmm…
The reason I write this isn’t for pity or some “woe is me” rant. Writing these truths for you to see is like taking a hammer to the invisible ceiling and chipping away. Writing them into existence diminishes their power. We all have them in some form or other, and I’ll bet many of you have never shared the depths of your truths with anyone. Perhaps today is a good day to start.
Invisible walls. Invisible ceilings. I’m surrounded by falsehood and fakeness. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that ever since I’ve started this Christ project, the facade has started to crumble away. It’s a slow process, a little piece here and a little piece there, but it’s all happening before my eyes. I’m beginning to see little glimmers of the freedom promised by truth.
🙏🙏 so much relatability here.
The weather. Barf
The you cant rush this sort of thing
The protection piece
Gaining clarity around why
Finding language
Thanks for this expression of truth
Be good to you