We all have monsters that live within us. If you’ve read my writing, you’re probably well acquainted with mine. Tonight, I named my monster. His name is Jason.
Jason is a hurt child trapped in a man’s body. He inflicts pain on himself and others because he’s scared of everything.
Jason is judgmental. He thinks his perspective is the only correct one, and doesn’t understand that each person lives in a different mind-space and therefore makes different choices.
Jason is a hypocrite. He judges and interrogates others for doing the same things he does. He doesn’t hold himself to the same standard because he thinks he is better than everyone else.
Jason is spiteful. He doesn’t forgive. He holds onto grudges and injuries just so he can inflict future revenge.
Jason is prideful. Anything that hurts his ego he either destroys or runs away from. He thinks the world should revolve around him.
Jason is petty. He calls out the faults of others because he’s so desperately afraid of being revealed for the fraud that he is.
Jason is jealous. As the god of his own universe, all must worship him and him alone. No one else can experience pleasure or good-fortune.
Jason is gluttonous. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Nothing is ever enough, so he’s always looking for more.
Jason is weak. He reacts to situations like a hurt little boy. He holds no ownership over his life and his actions.
Jason lives inside me. He expresses himself through sadness and, more manipulatively, through numbness. He lives in constant pain and doesn’t care about anyone or anything around him. Lying? Why not. Cheating? Who cares. When he’s in control, my body and my mind are on autopilot. Everything is pain. Everyone is out to hurt me, and it’s impossible to trust anyone. I’ve tried many times to kill him, but he always comes back with a vengeance. I’ve lived with him for as long as I can remember, and I was sure I would be at his command for the rest of my life.
That is until tonight. When I named him, I saw him. I found the words to describe his attributes and his intentions. I thought about all the things he says and believes. I even talked to him. In doing this, something very strange began to happen.
He went from this:
To this:
Notice the difference?
See, Jason’s only scary if I give him power. If I let myself believe I’m his victim, I most certainly will be. By naming him I not only acknowledge his existence, but I give myself the opportunity to put him in his place. He’ll listen to me if I tell him what to do - he’s a scared little boy after all. He just needs a little fathering.
After this experience I took a good hard look in the mirror, and (not even kidding) I didn’t recognize the person I was staring at. I could see the whites around my eyes clearly, and my skin was glowing. It wasn’t Jason I was looking at - it was me.
Well all have our own version of Jason that lives inside us. It looks, feels and expresses itself differently for each of us. For some of us, it’s intense sadness. For others, violent anger. Regardless of what it is, it often controls us in ways we’re both conscious and unconscious of. It’s our Jasons that cause the majority of suffering in the world. I challenge you to name your own monster. Think about the things it does, the things it says, the things it believes. Give it a name. Talk to it for awhile.
I’ll bet it’s not as scary as you think.