Today I’ve found it very challenging to write. I’ve started about 4 different articles, but didn’t have the mojo to see them through. So I figured I’d just get present with where I’m at and what I’m doing and let if flow.
I’m in Nashville for the weekend visiting my cousin. We saw The Strokes and the Red Hot Chili Peppers last night, and they both were absolutely incredible. The Strokes were one of the main reasons I got into music in the first place, so it was great to see them in their element. And the RHCP put on a phenomenal show. As I watched everyone around me getting fucked up, I got into my own little world with the music and really found my groove. But the process of getting to that place solidified some truths about myself that I found interesting.
I have intense social anxiety, as many of us I’m sure do. In large crowds I feel like an alien, like everyone is supposed to be there except for me. I see everyone around me smiling and having a good time, and I wonder what they have that I don’t. It’s this exact feeling that led me to drugs and alcohol in the first place. I was always so painfully shy, incapable of talking to girls, and overly self-critical. And then I had my first sip of alcohol, and all of that changed in an instant (at least it felt that way). I could finally muster up the courage to feel comfortable amongst my peers, and lo-and-behold I was the life of the party.
The caveat with addiction and substance abuse is that it works until it doesn’t. I wasn’t facing anything. I was just hiding behind a temporary good feeling - a feeling that allowed me to quiet the voice inside my head that told me I was a piece of shit. But within a few years, the charade stopped working. The same things that gave me “freedom” now chained me to a life of misery and isolation. And the voice inside my head came back, stronger than ever. It wasn’t until I put down the substances that I was able to take a step back and take a hard look at myself and my fear.
It’s at this point where I would normally go into the backstory of my trauma and analyze every little piece of my life to try to understand where it comes from. But I now realize that for me, it doesn’t really matter where it comes from. I’m naturally shy. I get nervous around women. I get overwhelmed in large crowds. And that in no way means I’m a piece of shit. And now that I understand that, I can actually start the work - and the work always comes in the moment. If I get shy, I can tell myself to speak up and act on it. If I get nervous around a woman, I’ll make myself say something and let go of the fear of what may or may not happen. If I get overwhelmed in a large crowd, I can make myself stay an extra minute and sit with the discomfort. All of these things are progress. All of these things are evidence of me facing my fear. Many times I’ll fail and the fear will win, but each and every day the fear subsides just a little more.
In the words of Blink-182, “I guess this is growing up.”
Yas king
Growing up indeed.