I have overcome many different things in my short 31 years on this planet. I’ve stopped drinking, I’ve stopped using drugs, I’ve stopped using tobacco, I’ve stopped smoking, and I’ve stopped eating processed sugar. At this point, none of these are a temptation for me (except the very rare sugar craving). I’ve fought hard to get where I am today, but there’s one thing that hasn’t been so easy to kick. It was my first real addiction, and it’s remained my Achilles heel for as long as I can remember. As I’m sure you could guess by the title of this article, what I’m referring to is porn.
It’s taken me quite a while to get comfortable enough to talk about this. I’m proud to be an alcoholic and drug addict, and I have no problem talking about that with anyone. Porn addiction is different. It’s dirty. It’s secretive. It operates in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” space in our society. I could go into all the reasons why, but that’s not what I’m trying to get after here. I want to tell you how destructive porn has been in my life - I think a lot of times it’s easy to downplay just what it does to us. I’ve been through it all, so let me tell you about it.
I don’t watch porn every day. I used to when I was a teenager and in my early twenties, but now it’s down to a few times a week. When I question if it’s I problem, I think about all the alcoholics I know who, before getting sober, justified their use with the same logic - “I don’t do it every day.” I’ve learned that has no bearing on addiction. It’s about what it does to me, why I watch it, and my inability to put it down for good.
I started watching porn when I was twelve years old. That was before the drinking, before the drugs, before the cigarettes, before everything. It was my first escape. Not only that, it was exciting. I was a kid just coming into his sexuality, curious about everything. Porn was available to me, so why wouldn’t I see what it was all about? I had no idea what it would do to me in the years to come.
Before I continue, I just want to clarify that I have no particular opinion on sex work in general. I generally operate under the concept of laissez faire when it comes to other people and what they decide to do with their life, and this is no different. It would be like me blaming the production of alcohol for my alcoholism - that would get me nowhere, and at the end of the day it enables me to avoid responsibility for my side of the street.
That said, I will take a hard stance on the use of porn, because I’ve lived through it. There are many aspects of porn use that I believe are overlooked. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with people who say, “It’s not that bad!” I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself, and that has not been my experience. I would not have been able to tell you any of this 10 years ago, but with maturity and experience my eyes have been opened in many ways. Why is porn so toxic? I think it’s time for another list…
False Soothing
We often view porn as a way to relieve anxiety and stress. Similar to substances, this is only a momentary fix that is sure to return. It’s a negative feedback loop.
Unrealistic Sex Ideals
Porn has insidiously changed beauty and sexual standards. Do you really think a woman with fake DD breasts and a guy with a 10 inch penis are the standards of beauty? You might say no, but porn has a way of creeping into the subconscious.
Learning All The Wrong Ways To Have Sex
Sex in porn is almost comical if you really think about it. Yes - rough, fast sex can be good sometimes, but definitely not every time. Sex, like most other things, needs balance and consciousness to be expressed in its fullest capacity.
Emasculation/Defeminization
Echoing point #2, watching people with outlier physical characteristics experiencing pleasure over and over can be damaging to a man’s/woman’s idea of himself/herself. In reality, size and perfection are not nearly as important as porn makes them out to be. Communication is king.
Relationship Problems/Infidelity
Do you think watching porn when you’re in a relationship is cheating? I do, but it’s taking me awhile to accept that. How big is the gap between the screen and reality? If you look at it a certain way, porn is basically cheating without the physical part.
Energy Depletion
Many culture’s believe sexual essence (Jing) is a foundational substance for a long and healthy life. Porn is an unnecessary draining of that energy, which can be used in a variety of more fulfilling ways.
Normalizing Objectification
Judging people’s value based on their appearance is bound to cause problems, as is viewing another person as a means and sex as an end. We’re creatures who form bonds, and I don’t think we understand just how much this mentality contradicts our programming (I imagine any non-monogamous readers seeing red here).
Taboo Manifestation
There is some really messed up porn out there, and the more porn assimilates into our culture, the more taboos become accepted. Have you ever wondered why there’s so much “stepsister” porn, and what that could be doing to our brains? I’d be wiling to bet that whatever it is, it’s not good.
Dopamine Gateway
Giving your body a huge dopamine hit when it wants one is a great foundation for future dependency, especially for someone with an addictive personality. Porn was my gateway drug into alcoholism, I have no doubt about that.
Reinforcement of Intrusive Thoughts
When people have sex in reality, it doesn’t look like it does in porn. There’s no lighting, there’s no takes, there’s no cameras (at least most of the time). When we visualize sex and our mental reference is porn, it’s going to cause problems. Especially for those with OCD, anxiety and jealousy issues (aka a large majority of human beings).
There you go - you may agree with me, you may not, but what I’ve listed here has been my experience with porn use. If I’ve learned anything from these 100 Days of writing, it’s that the most important thing one can do when writing about anything is take a stance. Go with the gut. Lean in. I’ve felt this way about porn for a long time, but I’ve often dumbed down by arguments for the sake of not making other people uncomfortable. Those days are long behind me.
The main purpose of this article wasn’t to explain the reasons why porn is toxic. It was really a selfish one - to shine a light on one of my own shadows. I’m sure many of you reading this have had some experience with porn, and yes - some of you reading this are currently addicted to it. It’s okay, you’re not alone. I know how hard it can be to want to stop doing something but be overwhelmed by the compulsion to keep doing it. I know the pain that comes form that compulsion.
If you’re struggling with porn, I don’t have an exact answer for you. What I will say is that I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders from speaking my truth about this shameful part of me. It’s the secrets we keep that eat away at our souls, so tell someone about it. Maybe even write about it. It may not solve the problem immediately, but it will loosen the grip porn has over you. That I can guarantee.