Too Powerful To Master
The Devil
The Edge of Silence
Jesus Island
Is This It?
1. Too Powerful To Master
I was listening to the Flaming Lips’ “In the Morning of the Magicians” in the shower this morning, and it hit me straight in the feels. Here are the lyrics:
In the morning I'd awake
And I couldn't remember
What is love and what is hate
The calculations error
Oh-oh-oh-what is love and what is hate
And why does it matter
Is to love just a waste?
How can it matter?
As the dawn began to break
I had to surrender
The universe will have it's way
Too powerful to master
Oh-oh-oh-what is love and what is hate
And why does it matter
Is to love just a waste?
How can it matter?
The song talks covers the deepest questions. What is love? Does it even matter? Do I have any influence over my life? Do I have any control? It isn’t about having immediate answers to these questions - the answers are practically irrelevant. It’s more about just being a human being and inevitably coming into contact with these extraordinary questions. It’s sad, beautiful, tragic and glorious - everything in the realm of human emotion. Isn’t it amazing how one song can be so powerful?
As the proverbial dust has settled on my journey - well, my reconversion, really - through Christianity, my experience has started to change. In the beginning it was all fireworks and exploration - it was all very exciting. Now that that phase has passed, the theme of my experience is powerlessness. I see it everywhere. I see how much and to what extent we all delude ourselves on a daily basis, clinging to as much power as we possibly can. In the end though, it’s all an illusion. The final judgement on our lives is held in the hands of powers that we can’t possibly attempt to control - fate, destiny, the unfolding of time, etc…
I guess I just wasn’t aware of how much I needed something - or someone - to hold this powerlessness. By now I’m sure you’d guess that that person is Jesus Christ. Not long ago I would have called you crazy if you said that the words “I need Jesus” would come out of my mouth. Well, they’re here, and they’re not whispers but screams. I know that by saying these words I’m losing many of the people who initially followed my writing journey, but that’s a price I’m finally willing to pay.
The universe will have its way - too powerful to master. All I can do is rest my burdens with the one who gave His life for me.
2. The Devil
Outside of fundamental religious circles, the Devil is out of fashion.
“Hell doesn’t exist.”
“The Devil was made up by religion.”
These sentiments echo the thoughts of most people - spiritually-minded or not - I’ve ever met. Hell has been relegated to a relic of the past, an old tool used to guilt the masses. I believed this very thing for many years, claiming all these spooky things as machinations of evil men.
The only problem is, that’s not at all what Jesus said. To Him, the Devil (a.k.a Satan) and Hell were very, very real. There are numerous places in the Bible where he references this dark, adversarial entity. What gives?
You can say the translations were wrong. You can say those elements were added to the Bible later by men who wanted to write Satan in for influence. You can say it was all meant to be metaphorical. There are a hundred and one ways to discount pretty much everything written in the Bible if you so choose, but that’s actually not what I’m concerned about.
I don’t care about horned, fallen angels who burn people for eternity. It’s scary, sure, but the topic itself is far out of reach, real or not. What I do care about is the question that naturally arises out of the Devil question…
Do our actions have any meaning?
Many people will claim they do not. After all, there’s no Big Daddy in the sky tallying our every sin. Life is something akin to a great big game, played pretty much for fun. You lose when you die, but everything goes in the interim. Any talk of hell or sin or devils is just invented shaming and should be left to history.
I wouldn’t be so sure about this. Our actions having meaning is one of the foundational principles of Christ’s message, but that’s not all every great spiritual lineage says the same. For Buddhists it’s Karma, for Hindu’s it’s Reincarnation. The list goes on. There’s something deep inside all of us that not only thinks our actions to matter but wants our actions to matter. You can discard it any way you want, but I believe there is extraordinary truth behind it.
Maybe the devil isn’t some horned creature or serpent. Maybe he isn’t even “evil” in the way he’s classically depicted. Maybe the devil is our human way of owning the fact that our actions do indeed matter and have consequences. That’s not something to fear but rather rejoice in. After all, if nothing really mattered, if there were no “stakes” so-to-speak, life would be a lot less interesting.
3. The Edge of Silence
Christ engenders humility.
Humility engenders silence.
What do I mean?
There are many things we wish to say.
There are many things we wish to do.
So we can be Seen.
Heard.
Validated.
Wanted.
Loved.
Respected.
In silence, there is no such reward.
The meek receive their glory from within,
While the world receives its glory from without.
Only in the silence can we find Death:
Death of Approval.
Death of Praise.
Death of Acknowledgement.
Death of The Senses.
Show me the man strong enough to live in the silence -
You cannot.
His shadow is out of reach.
4. Jesus Island
There’s something inherently lonely about being at peace.
At least that’s what I’m finding as I enter this next stage of life.
I’m like a rock on an island, effortlessly grounded yet completely isolated.
I miss the old rush, the old pleasure, the old chaos, but I don’t want it back.
It’s quite the paradox.
5. Is This It?
My ego wants a reward.
A reward for dedicating my life to something greater than myself.
A reward for being a “good boy” and doing the “right thing”.
Ironically, the rewards it has in mind are far from that ideal.
It wants love, sex, ecstasy, bliss. “Look at how great I am!”
It wants POWER.
It whispers in my ear, “Is this it?”
I answer, “Yes. This is enough.”
Do I believe it? Sometimes.
Self vs. Faith. The battle rages on.