Life has been non-stop over the last few days and I wasn’t able to write, so today I’m doing a little catch up. I’m three segments behind so I thought it would be a fun to do a “past, present and future” exercise. I’m not quite sure what that means yet, but we’ll find out as we go…
The Past
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. - Matthew 5:4
Before this period of my life, I lived on a roller coaster of fear. Some days I felt strong and powerful, other days I felt small and weak. My fears manifested in many different ways - fear of sickness, fear of heartbreak, fear of fate and fear of life to name a few. In many ways, I don’t recognize that person as myself.
I used to be a hypochondriac, spending hours of my life convincing myself I was dying of some fatal illness or cancer.
I used to be a victim, blaming women for hurting me or not living up to my expectations.
I used to be a pessimist, convinced that life was meaningless and therefore believing I was living it the wrong way entirely.
I used to be a self-proclaimed martyr, judging others while conceiving of myself as all-holy and all-righteous.
None of these ways of being helped me or anyone else around me. That said, I wasn’t entirely conscious of what I was doing. Subconsciously I was living my life as a reaction to my upbringing. That’s not to say it was “bad”, as this is what all of us do to a certain degree. It takes time - in my case, many years - to even begin to break from the bondages of preconditioning. My past was filled with many phases, breaking one wall only to realize there was a bigger wall behind it. I got to give myself credit, I never stopped trying. I never gave up, and because of that I’m where I am today.
In a word, my past was spent mourning. Mourning lost love, the things that could have been and happy days gone by. Every scenario and every significant person that came into my life was inevitably concluded with mourning. I only recognize now how beautiful this recurring process was for me, like shedding layer after layer of the false mask I was wearing for myself and the world. There was much pain in the past, but pain doesn’t last forever.
The Present
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. - Matthew 5:5
During each phase of my past, I thought to myself, “This is it. This is when I’m finally going to turn a corner and my outlook is going to change.” Without fail, not long after these thoughts blossomed in my mind I found myself regressing back to old patterns and old thoughts. Progress and change are far from linear, as I often found myself taking two steps forward and three steps back. It was infuriating at times, but as the years progressed I was able to hold on to the subtle, incremental shifts that I began to notice.
This time - this present - I know it’s actually different. I know this because for the first time in a half-decade I have real faith in something. I have hope and joy, and I’m not shackled by the fear that one day this meaningless game is all going to end. I let go of my hypochondria, my lost loves and my lost futures. I’m just playing the game of life and trying to get a little better each and every day.
I also now have a life that is in my hands, quite literally. For those of you who don’t know, puppies are a ton of work. There’s definitely some fear, as I don’t want to mess it up, but I think everyone messes things like this up in their own ways. What I do know is that this responsibility, even though it’s just a little puppy, has completely changed my inner world. I’ve spent a few nights already in tears of joy and gratitude, which is novel for me. My tears never came from those places. It’s like I’m starting to access completely new parts of myself that were always there just never tapped into. The weird thing is I’m not at all stressed. No sleep, neck deep in piss and shit and I’m not stressed.
I wish someone told me that the secret to life was finding Jesus and getting a puppy. That would have saved past me a lot of time :)
The Future
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. - Matthew 5:8
Although I’m content for now, I don’t believe this is the final phase. Rather, I think this is the beginning. Everything leading up to this point was prologue. I’m going to continue to run my business, raise my puppy, train like a madman and write. That last one is key. I’m almost sixty days into this and I’m about done - not because I don’t enjoy writing about God and Christianity and Jesus, but because the things I’m feeling and thinking and experiencing just don’t form well into literal words.
What I will say is that the next phase of my writing life has become clear. Modern Bronze will always be the sketched of my mind and heart and I’ll always come back to writing here, but my next endeavor belongs elsewhere. I don’t want to say anything about it yet because it’s not completely solidified. Plus, I have over forty more installments of these Confessions before I make any significant moves.
The next couple of weeks are sure to be a challenge, but if you know me you know I like that. I’m interested to see what I’ll be able to squeeze out - concepts are not coming as easily as they were in the beginning of this process. I also have much less free time than before. With all this in mind, it will be an interesting experience at the very least.
No matter what happens or where I go, what I want most for my future is a pure heart. I want to do the things I say I’m going to do, and I want to operate from the grounded place I currently sit. I want to continue to shed my old habits and behaviors, and I want to invite the love and light of Christ and my fellow humans into my life. I’m going to stop trying to be all the things I hoped I was, and instead be all the things I am. I have no doubt that everything that’s meant to come into my life will come. I have know doubt that if I keep this path, I, too, will see God.