As of today, I am three weeks into Confessions, a hundred-day inquiry and exploration into Christianity and the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. For those who are interested in the backstory and the reasons for this project, you can refer to the earlier segments on my page. I wanted to spend a little time checking in and reflecting on the process thus far.
First and foremost, writing something presentable everyday is difficult. Maybe it would be easier if my life was entirely dedicated to it, but I have many other pursuits (including running a full-time construction business). Many nights I get home and my body is tired and my mind is blank, and I find myself sitting at the computer unable to come up with even a single coherent sentence. In these times I’ve leveraged the work of writers and artists of the past, which has been useful but at the end of the day I’d prefer to keep these as original as possible. As you’ll notice, today’s segment has been released quite late - last night I couldn’t even get myself to open the computer, so I’m writing this in the morning. Granted, facing this resistance is the best thing I can do at this point in my writing career, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
In terms of my journey thus far, there are elements I expected and others I did not. In my experience, Jesus Christ is a completely polarizing figure - many who hear his name immediately turn away, be it from negative past religious experience or personal intellectual pride. I’m often seeing this in reader numbers, as some topics I write about turn people away (compared to my piece about Ireland and the Buddha, reader numbers for this project are often significantly less). Sure, some of that is lazy writing due to the high volume demand, but I know that some of it is topical as well. The thing is, I completely understand. I, too, had negative past religious experiences and suffer from intellectual pride. I’m doin my best to curate this journey and message for everyone, not just those with existing affinities for Christ.
What has surprised me most is the variety of styles I’ve naturally employed thus far. Sometimes I’ll find myself writing more academic-style pieces that include a ton of research, other times I’ll find myself diving into heavily opinionated pieces, and other times I’ll find myself…well…I don’t really know how to describe it. It’s somewhere between stream of consciousness and channeling (pieces like “Dominum Visus Est” and “The Spirit of Intuition” are examples of this. I don’t know where they come from or how they happen, they just do. If I had my way, everything I write would be like those, though unfortunately I can’t summon that ability whenever I want. Like I said, it just happens. It is very useful for trying to convey the delicate information I’m exploring - most of the time I can’t avoid sounding somewhat preachy or, dare I say, evangelistic. These more mystical pieces help to convey the heart of what I’m trying to get at - namely that these concepts are concerns experienced by everyone, everywhere. Hopefully, I’ll be able to explore more topics in this way down the road.
The last thing I want to cover is the “why”. Why am I doing this? Why does it matter? Why not talk about sports or politics or the economy? Many, many people on Substack write about these things, and they seem to be most popular. The truth is, I’m not interested in any of those things - my questions stretch deeper and broader. This inquiry began as a selfish exercise to figure out what I actually believe and to revisit a topic that was so polarizing for me. What I’m not beginning to realize is that so much of what I’m writing about - so much of what Jesus preached - is missing from modern discourse. We are living in an age governed by pride, and its tentacles are everywhere - mostly in places we can’t see. I myself am riddled with it, and I’m only scratching the surface of my awareness of it. The “why” of this project is starting to grow into a pseudo-expose on pride and how it’s negatively influencing all of us. That’s for now, at least, and I’m sure it will change shape as they days and weeks go on.
That’s my report. I will say that I’m glad I’m doing this, even if it’s not as egotistically rewarding as I may have secretly hoped. So much around - my perspective, my awareness, my personal truth - has already started to change as a result. As an added bonus, maybe I’m helping someone - even if it’s just person - with their own journey. All I can do is continue to write into the ether, even if it sometimes feels like staring into an abyss.
Maybe if I do it for long enough, the abyss will start staring back.