A few days ago I came across the concept of “self-gaslighting,” and I was immediately intrigued. The “signs” of self-gaslighting are as follows:
You make excuses for someone else’s bad behavior
Instead of acknowledging their toxic behavior, you blame yourself.
You invalidate your own feelings.
You tell yourself things like, “It’s not a big deal,” or “I’m overreacting.”
You’re constantly “shoulding” yourself.
You tell yourself things like, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” or “I should be over this by now.”
You believe you’re too sensitive.
You feel ashamed of your emotions and try to suppress them.
You don’t trust your own judgement.
You second guess yourself and don’t trust your intuition.
Ooof. This hit me like a ton of bricks when I read it the first time. I’ve done all of these things. I know what it feels like to blame myself for someone else’s behavior, to invalidate my experience and tell myself that I’m defective because I can’t “get over” a certain thing. I’ve lost trust in my gut and second guessed everything that I am because of it. These experiences were some of the most difficult in my life, and led me to some of the darkest places I have ever been to. I had no idea that in reality, I was gaslighting the shit out of myself. Looking back, it makes a whole lot of sense.
The most interesting thing is that during these experiences, I was doing my best to be a good man. I was trying to exhibit compassion and forgiveness, to walk the divine path. What happened, however, was a complete abandoning of myself and what I stood for. My psyche did not react kindly to this - the result was a terrible cognitive dissonance that ripped through every aspect of my being. I wanted to forgive and forget, but in my gut I knew that was impossible, and that separation took me out of reality in a very tangible way. I essentially became a shell of the man I once was.
When I look back on those periods, many emotions come up - sadness, rage, frustration, jealousy, to name a few. I chose someone (or something) else over myself, and I want to beat myself up over it. Thankfully, that’s not what I do these days - everything in life is a lesson, good or bad, and because of those experiences I have some things I want to share with you.
Trust your gut, even if you’re “wrong”.
In my opinion, the gut is able to see much farther into the future than the mind. Trust it, always. The reasons why may come to light much later.
You’re idea of toxic doesn’t have to align with anyone else’s.
If you think something is fucked up and need to walk away, that’s that. Other people have different opinions on different things, and that’s fine, but yours does not need to conform to anyone else’s. If it’s a big deal to you, then it’s a big fuckin’ deal. Period.
Never say “should”.
“Should” doesn’t exist. I “should” be a 6’5”, 225 lb. underwear model and billionaire. Not gunna happen. “Should” has absolutely nothing to do with what you actually are or how you actually feel at any given moment. You know the answer. Own it.
Read these again if you have to. If I was told these things a decade ago, I would have avoided some of the most painful experiences in my life. Maybe you can learn from my mistakes. That reminds me of that quote from Otto von Bismarck:
Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others.
P.S. I’m starting two separate newsletters aside from Daily Reflections.
If you’re interested in health & fitness, I’ll be starting a newsletter called The Bronzeman, which will be released every Sunday. It will cover weightlifting, different styles of training, nutrition and everything in between.
If you’re interested in poetry, I’ve started a newsletter dedicated entirely to poetry called Poetry in the Dark. Starting next week, this will be released once a week on Wednesdays.
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