But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
-Matthew 5:28
Alright folks, we’re now entering dangerous territory. This is sure to ruffle some feathers. Sex and sex relations are probably some of the most heated topics for people because our views on sex are so intrinsically tied to our views of the world (or at least that is my belief). Bring these views into question, and look out! Emotions, traumas and justifications all burst into the fold, and haters be damned!
I’ll bet that for you, dear reader, your views on sex are similar to your views on politics, in that you believe them to be right. As such, I’m sure your conduct in this world reflects these views, without much thought. Whether you believe in sex, sex and more sex, or you believe that six is a sinful, vile thing, you “hold the party line” so to speak. I’ve seen this most often in conversations that lead to justifications and/or criticism of other people. This makes sense - we are all reflections of each other, and what better way to show how we feel about ourselves than offering support or condemnation towards another! I say this partly in jest, but we all know it to be quite true.
I’m not here to judge your sex conduct. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m too old for that (ew). I’m here to judge my own sex conduct in relation to the project at hand. Christianity, and especially the root Christianity of Christ, has a very clear viewpoint on sex. In my opinion, it’s the biggest elephant in the room in modern Christianity. In the age of birth control, empowerment and Plan B, sex is the one thing that most Christians - even the most devout Christians - won’t budge on. Going to mass, saying prayers, listening to Christian music, Bible study…sure! But sex? Hell no (pun intended)!
Let me make something very clear: I am one of these aforementioned people. I will not be giving up sex anytime soon, but just because I won’t give it up doesn’t mean my investigation is over before it even started. I want to think through this logically, add a dash of personal experience and set the scales to see how our modern views of sex weigh against the Christian standard. I think we all pretty much have an idea of where this is going to go, but hear me out - I don’t think it’s going to be a bad thing.
First, let’s look at what Jesus himself had to say about sex.
You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. - Matthew 5:27-28
Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said ‘for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate - Matthew 19:1-12
The letters of Paul have a lot more to say about the subject, but I want to get as straight to the source as possible. I’m sure there’s plenty more, but these will do for now. Jesus has a some hardline stances when it comes to sex matters:
He is extremely against adultery (sex outside of marriage)
His bar is quite low compared to modern standards - even looking at a woman lustfully he considers adultery (oh boy)
He holds marriage to the absolute highest standard.
He portrays sex as one of the most beautiful God-given gifts if it’s held in its proper place.
Alright, so with this in mind, let’s look at some modern sex practices and viewpoints
Pornography is one of (if not the) most profitable industries in the world, and this includes some really, really fucked up porn (rape, incest, etc.)
OnlyFans (a platform where users create homemade porn) makes well over 1B a year and it’s growing by nearly 20% a year
Marriage and divorce rates are steadily dwindling
Taboo sex practices are often encouraged (sex with multiple partners, polyamory, sex with married men/women, sex outside of marriage, etc.)
Number of sex partners is often encouraged (among both men and women)
Condoms, Plan B and abortion make sex the lowest stakes it has ever been
I’m sure I could have done a deeper dive, but you get the point. So, here’s how the story usually goes (at least in my experience). Here’s a fake quote that is the perfect amalgamation of the view I here most amongst my peers:
“Sexual restrictions were created to control people, especially women, for centuries upon centuries. With the advent of birth control and modern empowerment, the tides were finally turned and things started “evening out”. Now, sex is seen as a positive, a necessity, and everyone should get as much of it as they want (and as long as there’s consent). It’s not that big of a deal and there’s nothing wrong with it”.
…or something like that. So, that leads to the inevitable question: is all of that true?
Were sex restrictions created as a means of control, especially towards women? Absolutely.
Is sex a positive thing? Absolutely.
Is sex a necessity? Well, not technically.
Should everyone get as much of it as they want? This is perhaps not the right way to view it.
Is sex a big deal? Well, actually, yes. Perhaps the biggest deal.
Is there anything wrong with sex? Well, it depends on how you use the power you’ve been given.
Now, my friends, I introduce you to the concept of sick sex. I heard it on a podcast years ago and the term has stuck with me ever since. I think it’s a great way to view sex as a whole, and it just so happens that it blends the “antiquated” Christian view and the modern view together. Basically, sick sex is exactly what it sounds like: sex that is rooted out of sickness. Now, I’m not simply talking about sex addiction here. Sickness can be a host of different things: loneliness, revenge, validation, low self-worth, unconsciousness and self-hatred, among many others. With these as fuel, lust runs wild and rampant. How do I know? I’ve experienced it all firsthand.
I used to cheat on partners because of self-hatred, unconsciousness and revenge.
I used to be obsessed with the idea of having a threesome and/or group sex because of my need for validation and low self-worth.
I used to want to go to any lengths of experimentation in the bedroom, again because of the need for validation (that I was such a “great” lover, because if I wasn’t that what was I?).
I used to look at more taboo forms of porn just because I could, because of loneliness and unconsciousness.
I used to try to have one-night stands for no other reason than to prove to myself that I could, again because of low self-worth.
I used to try and get as much sex as I could, and when I didn’t (I won’t lie, I’m no Casanova) I ended up hating myself.
The point is, there was sickness behind all of these things. I didn’t know it at the time. I just thought it was “what everyone else was doing”. On top of that, none of this had to do with guilt. The classic “religious guilt complex” we use to justify more mild views on sex just doesn’t apply. As soon as I had sex for the first time, that voice was gone. What remained, though, was a deeply subconscious knowledge that every time I engaged in any of these things, I was harming myself. Something just wasn’t right - most of the time. What I’m talking about is extremely subtle and nearly imperceptible, and in only in hindsight am I able to recognize it.
Now, what about the other side of that? What about sex that’s not sick? I’ve had that too, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t take me a long, long time to get there. It isn’t crazy, it isn’t imbalanced. There aren’t any voices inside my head begging me to stop. Sure, it can look different ways and get a little experimental and exciting, but that’s not the point. It turns out, the point is giving and not receiving. The point isn’t the sex itself but the use of sex to compliment love - one that’s light, easy and peaceful. The point is the period after, embracing someone you know and care for and, even if for a little while, becoming one.
Sick sex is draining, and the more I got the more I wanted. It’s a vicious cycle that never ended. Once sex became something I could take or leave, something I viewed as a gift, something that I didn’t need to use as a vehicle for my own issues, then I started to understand just how beautiful it could be. No, sex is not a necessity - I don’t know if you’ve heard but you can in fact live without it. That’s what makes it so special - we don’t need it, but it can add so much to life and love when acted upon with grace and gratitude.
I’m not married, so this segment may in fact mean I’m a sinner, and I’m okay with that. I knew that already (hah!). I will say, though, that my journey through life and sex has helped me to understand why Jesus put such a premium on marriage. It’s so watered-down in our culture - it’s just a “thing” people do - but it could be so much more than that. It’s that feeling of becoming one, just expanded into an entire life. It’s the most graceful and the most beautiful way to honor the God-given gift of sex. In many ways, if we are in fact spiritual beings and not just fleshy clumps running nowhere, it’s the whole point of the thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever get married, but I do know that I have a tremendous reverence for it.
So, if I had to distill Jesus’ message down into three words, I’d say this:
Avoid sick sex.
In a world where sex can be found in the palm of our hands, it isn’t as easy as it sounds. That said, it has certainly worked for me. Sure, I still battle with lust on a daily basis, but I guess now that I actually look at it I can say that I’ve had a dramatic shift in my sexual conduct over the course of the last few months. Unsurprisingly, change within myself is always hard to see. Perhaps this project is already bearing fruits that I wasn’t even aware of.
Cool.
Like I said, I’m not here to judge your sex life or your views on sex. These are simply mine, and the conclusions I’ve drawn from them have helped me tremendously. Maybe you agree with some things, maybe you disagree with others. That’s the whole point, isn’t it? Sex is one of the biggest subjects concerning the human race, and it’s no surprise that our views on it would be extremely varied. Feel free to take whatever you wish and leave the rest.