The term “Spiritual Bypassing” was first coined by John Welwood in “Toward a Psychology of Awakening”. It’s defined as:
Using spiritual or religious means to skip the deep work associated with processing trauma, feeling emotions and processing psychological challenges.
I don’t know about you, but I see a lot of people, both online and in-person, who claim to be “spiritual”. More often than not, spirituality is associated with mantras, mediation, astrology, dancing, psychedelic drugs and/or “living in the light”. Any of these in combination can be pulled together and - “viola!” - you have your modern spiritual guru. None of these things are in and of themselves “bad,” and they can absolutely be used as tools, but true spirituality is not any of these. In my experience, living a spiritual life is dark. I mean, really dark. You can dress it up however you want, but you can’t escape that fact.
As I have moved through different spiritual worlds and communities, I can say without doubt that the backbone of many, if not most, is sex. To be frank, presenting yourself as “spiritually enlightened” in some way is an easy way to get laid. I don’t know what it is about sex and spirituality, but they go hand-in-hand. I guess it makes sense, as both revolve around a certain type of ecstasy, but I digress. The problem with this is that anyone can claim to be spiritual. Anyone can make themselves look spiritual for selfish motives. Actually living a spiritual life is a much different thing.
I’m not going to sit here and bemoan the ways of anyone else other than myself. I’ve learned that bitching about other people doesn’t help me, and the true way to see my ideas through is to put a magnifying glass on my own life. So, I’ll explain my point through the lens of me - specifically in the area of my sobriety.
Getting sober is a really insane experience - one day, you can’t stop killing yourself with drugs and alcohol, and the next, you stop. For me, it was nothing short of a miracle, and it was the most profound spiritual experience I’d ever gone through. It was through this that I found God (of my understanding) and began the process of living les selfishly. What I didn’t realize was that it was by no means a destination - it was only a beginning, the opening of a door, and I would be brought to my knees several times over the ensuing years. This is how I learned about spiritual bypassing - I was it’s biggest culprit.
I was a few years into sobriety, and I thought I was “the man”. I was sober, fit and I worked a very solid spiritual program - or so I made it seem. The problem was, behind the scene it wasn’t all butterflies and rainbows. Truth is, I had serious issues in sex relations. I watched an exorbitant amount of porn (progressively getting more and more taboo and inappropriate), cheated on girlfriends and got caught up in dramatic, toxic relationships. Sure, I stayed “sober,” but I was not a sober man. The scariest part was the ability I had to compartmentalize my issues, to claim righteousness while living a life of deviance, despair and judgement. By the grace of God I woke up, and that’s when the real work started.
This all lasted a few years, finally coming to a head last fall. Since then, I have (imperfectly) embarked on a journey of healing, faith and spirituality. It has been the most intensely painful period of my life. I have come face to face with my past traumas, the stories I believed about myself and my deepest fears and insecurities. At times, I’ve felt like I was going to die, and I don’t mean that metaphorically. Of late, I’ve put myself in a period of complete isolation from women and embarked on the journey of celibacy. What I’ve come to understand is that spirituality is an inside job, and I need to face myself alone.
We all have different means of coping, different vices we use to numb the pain that lurks within our hearts. Spirituality is the process of removing the obstacles and allowing ourselves to feel it and heal it. Unfortunately, singing mantras on the beach, reading tantric sex manuals and taking shrooms every other month probably aren’t going to get you there. It’s about learning how to sit in silence with your mind and your shadow - it’s raw, it’s lonely and it’s painful.
So, why do it? Why not just “live in the light,” dance, flirt, take drugs and have fun? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that path, but if you believe you have a greater purpose than your current station, you must face the darkness. Otherwise, it will continue to operate in the shadows as the puppet master of your life.