As human beings, we all go through changes. We experience seasons in our lives both externally and, perhaps more importantly, internally. The last six months of my life were dedicated to the darkness - it was a season of pain, torment and despair. Now, it’s time to move towards a different place. It’s time to move towards the Sunlight of the Spirit.
“Sunlight of the Spirit” is a term from the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book. It’s my favorite phrase in the book. It describes a state of peace and serenity, a state of acceptance with life on life terms. If I get honest with myself, I haven’t felt the Sunlight for a few years. I’ve been sober in body, but I’ve been drunk in mind and soul.
I first found the Sunlight when I first got sober. For a year, I felt a serenity that I wish upon each and every one of you. It was the true definition of beauty. I didn’t date for a full year - it was me, my books and my Higher Power. Each day felt like a gift, and while I recall feeling times of loneliness, there was not a moment I felt despair.
After that period, I gave my Sunlight away. People, places and things became the arbiter of my serenity - a recipe destined to fail. I claimed sobriety and worked a half-ass program, but I was never able to return. I needed to be brought to my knees a few more times before I was desperate enough to change. By the grace of God, that willingness was gifted to me again, as recently as the last few weeks. A line from the Big Book comes to mind:
If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.
“Go to any length.” That’s the ticket. After 3 years, I’ve accumulated many different attachments - resentment, love and sex to name a few. The thing is, sobriety isn’t about doing anything. It’s about letting go. It’s about facing myself and all the narratives I’ve created about what I deserve and what my life is meant to be. It’s about taking the leap and having faith that whatever’s on the other side, I’ll be taken care of.
This all sounds well and good, but it’s damn difficult. I’ll just have to take it one day at a time.