Recently, I learned about a very interesting phenomena among elephants. If you tie a baby elephant’s foot to a strong tree, it will not be able to escape (duh). It may try at first, but it will eventually give up and accept its fate. The only problem (assuming you’re a sadistic motherfucker who likes to experiment on baby elephants) is that elephants grow up. As we all know, they get BIG. Big enough to easily break free of the rope and escape from their captors. The thing is, they don’t run away - they don’t even try. They have the power to change their situation, but they remain convinced of their powerlessness.
I call this phenomena learned powerlessness (Google calls it “learned helplessness”), and it applies to us just as much as elephants. At this very moment there are probably a dozen or more stories about yourself that you have never even questioned - stories that keep you tied to your own metaphorical rope. Some examples include:
As a child you were told you were ugly, or you created that belief in yourself. As an adult you’ve grown into an attractive person, but no matter what anyone says or does, you don’t believe it. This results in some combination of body dysmorphia, sexual compulsivity, substance addiction and self hatred, even though you are thing (attractive) you always thought you weren’t.
As a child you were told you were weak, or you created that belief in yourself. As an adult you’ve become compulsively obsessed with getting stronger, but no matter what you do or how big you get you believe you are weak. This results in exercise addiction (guilty as charged), substance abuse (i.e. steroids) and body dysmorphia, even though you are the thing (strong) you always thought you weren’t.
As a child you were told you were weird, or you created that belief in yourself. As an adult you’ve become an active member in society with many friends and are held in high regard, but whenever you’re in a room full of people you feel like everyone is staring at the “weird kid”. This results in low self-esteem, people-pleasing and the inability to say “no”, even though you are the thing (normal) you always thought you weren’t.
Notice how for us, learned powerlessness often results in a certain set of maladaptive behaviors. The examples above are generalisms, but I see some combination of these almost everywhere I go, in most people I meet (including myself). In the “Age of Therapy”, I’m sure most of us are at least somewhat aware of our psychological peculiarities, but the rabbit hole goes deep. These things are not always easy to recognize. They live somewhere in the land of the subconscious, and we all know that’s a shit-show (this always reminds me of the movie “Land of the Lost” with Will Ferrell). I find it easiest to start from the results and work backwards. Are there things in your life that you don’t like, be they situations or behaviors? If you can identify them, you can trace them back to your own version of the baby elephant.
Now let’s flip this all on its head. What if the elephant grows up and does realize it’s bigger and stronger and tries to break free - but it can’t. The tree is just too strong. This, my friends, is what I call real powerlessness. As a baby the elephant might have convinced itself of it’s inability to escape, but that doesn’t really matter now because it still can’t escape. This is the perfect metaphor for addiction.
I am powerless over alcohol. If I take even one sip of it, it’s off to the races. I can’t stop myself. Yes, there’s definitely a lot of learned behavior in my addiction (cheers to all the Irish Catholic families out there), but that is only a small, small part of it. It’s a combination of brain chemistry, upbringing, social experiences, mental illness - whatever combination you choose, it doesn’t matter. The fact is, in my current reality, I can’t drink, or I’ll probably end up in a hospital or dead. I have no control - I’m a full grown elephant, and my rope is as strong as ever.
So the question becomes, what do I do? After four years of sobriety I don’t know much, but I do know what worked for me. The first step was admitting my real powerlessness. Learned powerlessness can be overcome through self-work and therapy, but real powerlessness needs a different solution. For me, that was the spiritual solution of the Twelve Steps. I’ll write about that experience in another article, but I will say that for me, the Twelve Steps “cut the rope”. They allowed this big elephant to roam the earth with a free spirit, unchained, and I’ve seen them work for countless others with a wide variety of afflictions (narcotics, sex, eating, money, codependency, even video games). They continue to change lives every single day. Granted, there are many other ways to eat this elephant (pun intended), and I have nothing against them, but this is the one that happened to work for me.
If you’re struggling with anything in your life, think about the baby elephant. You have so much more power within you than you realize - you just have to let yourself believe it. If you grow up and find that you’re actually a big elephant who’s still trapped, trust me when I say there are solutions for you. As always, I’m here to help. That’s what was given to me, and it’s my responsibility to pay it forward. You can find me on Instagram (@modern.bronze). Shoot me a DM anytime.