One of my favorite C.S. Lewis books is The Four Loves. In this book Lewis describes four different types of love: storge (empathy), philia (friendship), eros (romantic) and agape (unconditional/God). I thought it would be an enlightening exercise to take a birds-eye-view of my life and see how these different types of love are at play. I think you’ll all be able to relate on some level with each.
Storge (Affection/Family)
“Affection almost slinks or seeps through our lives. It lives with humble, un-dress, private things; soft slippers, old clothes, old jokes, the thump of a sleepy dog’s tail on the kitchen floor, the sound of a sewing-machine…”
C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Storge is the love of affection, and it covers a wide variety of loves. A mother and her child, a brother and sister, a man and his dog - these all contain elements of storge. In my own life, this type of love is everywhere. Sure, we’ve been through a lot, but I have an extraordinary bond with my parents and my siblings - one that I now I realize I too easily take for granted.
For me, I can see storge most clearly in memories. That one trip, that moment when I met that one girl and even smaller, more minute things like a particular song in a particular place in time. It’s amazing how looking for storge in your life brings you straight to the doorstep of gratitude. It’s the love and enjoyment of those tiny moments that make this life worth living and justify the pain and the struggle and all the rest.
As we speak, I’m in the midst of a new adventure in affectionate love. A puppy is basically a tiny microcosm of affection. I never knew I could feel this way about anything. Sometimes it’s pure hatred (lol), but most of the time it’s a feeling unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s difficult to explain eloquently, but it just makes everything better - the good times, the bad times and everything in between. I think most of you will understand what I mean without me having to elaborate any further.
Philia (Friendship)
“To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves, the crown of life and the school of virtue.”
- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
In the arena of friendship, I’m equally as lucky. I’ve had the same close-knit group of friends since high school (and most before high school). That’s just how it’s always been, and I never put any thought into it until I got older. I assumed that was the case for everyone, but now I know that’s not the case at all. In terms of friendship, I’m about as lucky as a guy can get.
In my experience, philia isn’t just normal friendship. It isn’t just going out to bars and sports games and repeating the same conversations over and over again. It’s about having people in your life you can grow with, cry with, inspire and look up to. It’s about having people in your life who understand you on a deeper level than most people, who understand your humor and your idiosyncrasies and constantly play off them. I’ve had this in my life for as long as I can remember, and this love has gotten me through some of the darkest periods of my life.
Eros (Romantic)
“In one high bound it has overleaped the massive wall of our selfhood; it has made appetite itself altruistic, tossed personal happiness aside as a triviality and planted the interests of another in the center of our being.”
- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Of the four loves, this is the one I’ve struggled most with. If you’ve read my writing, this should come as no shock to you (lol). I’ve experienced the full gamut of eros - passionate love, toxic love, subtle love and transcendent love. Regardless of my experience, for some reason I just couldn’t quite get it right. I stayed too long with the ones who were wrong for me, and the ones who were right for me always slipped away. This is by no means a pity party, it’s simply the truth of my experience.
Don’t worry, there’s good news. After everything I’ve been through - the high highs and the low lows - my slate has been wiped clean. Eros hasn’t been in my life recently, and for maybe the first time in my life I’m perfectly okay with that. I have enough storge, philia and agape to completely fill me. If eros decides to return I will invite it gladly, but if it doesn’t I’m okay with that too. That burning desire for romance and erotic love has quieted, and new doors have begun to open.
That said, I have loved enough to understand its value. Romantic love is perhaps the most beautiful force on the planet. Sex is certainly an element of it, but it is by no means the totality. In its fullness, eros is the complete merging of two human souls. It is the unity of two into one, the mystical marriage that takes us out of our selfishness and into something greater. Unfortunately, because of its power, eros is the love that is alsomost easily corrupted, and I’ve seen plenty of that. We use eros to hurt people, to cage ourselves and to do all types of horrible things. With great power comes great responsibility, and this type of love is not to be taken lightly.
Agape (Unconditional/God)
“Because we love something else more than this world we love even this world better than those who know no other.”
- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Of the four loves, agape is the highest form. It is perfect charity and perfect selflessness. It is completely unconditional. Most of us think we know what that means - myself included - but if we’re being honest this type of love is easier to preach than to practice. In this love the ego is lost, and for that reason it is perhaps the most difficult to experience.
For me, I wasn’t able to even entertain the idea of agape until recently. Unconditional love is difficult to conceptualize when one’s worldview is based solely on conditions. Without a Higher Power - without God - agape falls apart at the seams. Why would anyone give their life away for others if it had no meaning? Agape is what ties us to the divine, to the eternal, and to the highest potential we have as humans.
It’s no secret that Jesus Christ was (and is) the epitome of agape. He gave his life for the world, for everyone other than himself. Whether or not you believe in Him, his story still holds the same truth. His message - His Way - is unconditional love and perfect charity. It’s always looking to help and serve others. It’s the realization that all of our selfish pursuits are futile and the love we have for one another trumps all.