Change. Growth. Healing. We all love these buzzwords - I certainly do. I want all of these things in my life. When I got sober four and a half years ago, I was thrown onto the path of self-development and self-realization, and since the urge to drink left me, I figured everything else would be just as easy. Boy, was I wrong. What I’ve come to learn is that change is hard - no - change is unbelievably, extraordinarily and painfully hard. We throw that word around like a beachball at a Nickelback concert, but actualizing it is a completely different animal.
The truth is, most people don’t really change. Sure, we can go on retreats and start meditating and get therapists, but it takes a whole lot more to reprogram a lifetime’s worth of traumas, beliefs and learned behaviors. I notice this most within myself - there are some things that my mind and my body seem completely unwilling to let go of. I make significant progress, then I slide back into the old mental patterns and old behaviors. It’s beyond frustrating, and I’ve spent most of my life in shame spirals for not being able to be the person I want to be. That is until recently, when I learned about the true nature of change.
Change is non-linear, especially concerning the deepest parts of ourselves. Some things take years to heal, other things take decades, and the roughest stuff takes lifetimes. It’s impossible to become fully healed human beings in the short lifetimes we have, and there are some things we won’t be able to break through. My old therapist estimated that in order for a person to become fully healed, it would take about 300-400 years. Puts things into perspective, doesn’t it?
I don’t say this in a negative light. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. To me, the idea of the non-linear path relieves the pressure of perfectionism in a profound way. There are parts of myself that are going to take my entire lifetime to change and heal, and there are other parts that I’m just not going to be able to get to. That doesn’t make me a bad person, that doesn’t mean I’m letting anyone down, and that certainly doesn’t mean I’m unworthy of great things coming into my life. It means that I’m a human being with particular idiosyncrasies. As long as I keep trying and keep fighting, everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.
*Sigh* What a relief.
I think we all want to be more than what we are. It’s that drive that makes us great, that makes humanity so beautiful. We want to forgive, we want to let go, we want to be at peace, and we want it all now. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Some days we take two steps forward, some days we take three steps back. Sometimes we have to let go of people, places and things because we’re just not at the right place (and maybe never will be). That’s all okay, and none of us are alone in this. We are all trodding the non-linear path in our own unique ways. We all have our struggles, our bad days and our hopeless moments. It’s all a part of the human experience.
That’s all I’ve got for tonight. Don’t beat yourself up too much today. Remember, the path is non-linear, and with the right intentions, you’ll make it exactly as far as you need. Let’s take it out with the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.