What is happiness? You ask anyone what they want or what they’re looking for in this life, and 9/10 people will say, “I want to be happy.” That’s great, but what the hell does that actually mean? Is happiness a goal? Is it a feeling? Is it a state of mind? How do we know when we have it and when we don’t? We talk a big game about this heralded thing called happiness, but it seems we have no idea what it really is.
I can start off by telling you some of the things that it’s not. It’s certainly not a goal or a future state to be strived for. See, humans are always up against the struggle of discontentment. Many see this as a negative, but some of the greatest minds from the past saw this an integral part of being human. Earl Nightingale calls this state of being “divine discontent,” and cites it as a perfectly normal and good part of any striving person. C.S. Lewis cites this as the reason for the existence of God - no matter what we do or what we achieve, we’re always striving for something greater than ourselves. Have you ever gotten something you really wanted, something you thought would finally make you happy, only to get it and realize you still want more? I think we all have, and that’s just part of being human. It doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing, but it’s certainly the truth.
Happiness is also not a feeling. It’s not just when we feel good (or if it is, we’re fucked). Feelings come and go, like the rise and fall of waves. External stimulations occur, and we react in certain ways, which dictate how we feel about certain things. It’s very shaky ground to base the concept of happiness on. If we want to find a definition for happiness that can be lasting and sustainable, this is certainly not it. The goal of life isn’t to feel good all the time - that would just be impossible. There must be a better way to sort this out…
Some equate happiness to a state of mind, and while that’s closer I think that’s just as nebulous as a feeling. Happiness isn’t sitting on a rock chanting “Aum” all day and night, although we see that association all over the place today. Granted, mediation is a great path to peace and serenity, but it’s not quite the thing we’re trying to describe.
I’ve only heard one definition of happiness that I think is as close as we’re going to get. In one of Earl Nightingale’s speaker tapes, he mentions English philosopher John Stuart Mill (1806 - 1873) and Mill’s definition of happiness. Mill’s definition is as follows:
“Those only are happy (I thought) who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way."
There’s a lot to unpack here. Mill presents happiness as a paradox (I’ll write about this in detail in later reflections, but there’s a pattern with most great ideals or concepts in life - they’re paradoxes). Happiness is for those who don’t try to be happy. Weird, huh? Could that possibly be true? In my limited experience, it certainly is. I find myself “happiest” when I’m not thinking about or trying to be happy, when I’m in flow and connected to my purpose. It’s more akin to fulfillment than anything else - I don’t feel any which way, I just know I’m supposed to be doing exactly what I’m doing, and I’m doing it for the sake of doing it. The end result or goal doesn’t even register. I find this in writing, I find this in music, I find this weightlifting, and I find this is building Modern Bronze.
I think it’s also important to note that Mill leads with “the happiness of others” in his list of objects. I think that’s very telling. We’re often so focused on our own lives - on our problems and the things that are preventing us from being happy, whatever they may be - that we forget about others. Helping others achieve fulfillment (for its own sake) is one of the most selfless and valiant acts a man or woman can do. It just so happens that it can also be one of the keys that brings us personal happiness. I see this in recovery every day, helping other people get and stay sober. Yes, I do it because my recovery depends on it, but that’s not the main reason. I do it to help, to be of service, to repay the gift that I was given. Unsurprisingly, I find myself “happy” most days.
If you’re constantly trying to achieve happiness, let it go. You’re not going to find it anywhere except right here, right now. Do something you love, or help another person do something they love. There’s no secret sauce or final climax - they answer is in what we do each and every day.
What’s your definition of happiness? What do you think about Mill’s definition? Let me know in the comments below.