If I ever become a saint—I will surely be one of ‘darkness.’ I will continually be absent from heaven—to light the light of those in darkness on earth.
When you hear the name Mother Theresa, I’m sure you think positive attributes like charity, piety, compassion. Saint Theresa of Calcutta, as she is now known, dedicated her life to caring for the sick and the poor. No matter what faith or belief system you come from, it’s difficult to argue against the grace and kindness this woman possessed. She was a beacon of light in the world, spreading love and comfort to those who needed it most.
That, however, is not the whole story.
The brightness of her light was matched by the depth of the darkness she experienced. For most of her mission - I’m talking nearly 50 years - she struggled with her faith, feeling no presence of God whatsoever. She told no one and continued her work, despite her spiritual affliction. As it turns out, Mother Theresa experienced the longest Dark Night of the Soul on record.
Originally, when the Christian mystic St. John of the Cross first conceptualized the Dark Night of the Soul, he explained one of the phases of the soul’s purification, marked by confusion, helplessness, stagnation of the will, and a sense of the withdrawal of God's presence. It is during this period when God is unknowable, and it is a common experience amongst saints and mystics throughout the centuries. Today the term has been expanded to mean a general crisis of faith or difficult period of one’s life. Regardless of the definition we use, Saint Theresa certainly experienced it.
Below are some excerpts from her journals:
I call, I cling, I want - and there is no One to answer - no One on Whom I can cling - no, No One - Alone. The darkness is so dark - and I am alone - Unwanted forsaken - The loneliness - of the heart that wants love is unbearable - Where is my faith? - even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness - My God - how painful is this unknown pain. It pains without ceasing - I have no faith…
The darkness surrounds me on all sides - I can’t lift my soul to God-no light or inspiration enters my soul…what do I labour for? If there is no God-there can be no soul - If there is no soul then Jesus - You also are not true - Heaven, what emptiness-not a single thought of Heaven enters my mind-for there is no hope - I am afraid to write all those terrible things that pass in my soul. They must hurt you.
I utter words of Community prayers–and try my utmost to get out of every word the sweetness it has to give–But my prayer of union is not there any longer–I no longer pray.
These words may seem shocking coming from this beacon of holiness and purity. How can Mother Theresa have done everything she did while feeling this way? Hardline atheists like Christopher Hitchens have used her journals as evidence of her “waking up” to the fact that there is no God and life is meaningless. Could that in fact be true?
If Theresa abandoned her faith and her mission, maybe there’d be an argument for that. Not only did she continue her work, she started to perceive her Dark Night in a new way. She never did get out of it completely, but she came to believe it had extraordinary purpose. In her later years, her words begin to look very different:
I can’t express in words–the gratitude I owe you for your kindness to me–for the first time in … years–I have come to love the darkness–for I believe now that it is part of a very, very small part of Jesus’ darkness & pain on earth. You have taught me to accept it [as] a ‘spiritual side of your work’ as you wrote–Today really I felt a deep joy–that Jesus can’t go anymore through the agony–but that He wants to go through it in me.
I just have the joy of having nothing–not even the reality of the Presence of God [in the Eucharist]…I accept not in my feelings–but with my will, the Will of God–I accept His will.
I am willing to suffer … for all eternity, if this [is] possible.
Atheists have claimed this was evidence of cognitive dissonance, with Theresa attempting to reconcile the life of charity she had created with the loss of God’s presence in her life. Me - well, I’m not so sure about that. It makes perfect sense to me that this woman who brought so much light into the world would have to endure so much darkness. As we have seen, the world of spirituality is at its core paradoxical.
What is so striking about Saint Theresa is her determination to keep going, to keep her life focused on service and helping others. I know from personal experience how easy it is to perform charitable acts driven by the fuel of belief - and how difficult it is without it. In her journal she speaks about the concept of relying on her will rather than her feelings, and to me this reinforces a pattern I'm beginning to see emerge throughout these spiritual inquiries:
Faith is not just a feeling. Neither is it just a belief. Perhaps most of all, it is a choice.
Theresa was one of the greatest examples of this. It is rare that I come across a story of a saint - someone who’s supposed to be “above” the rest in a sense - and so relate on a fundamental level. I know exactly what she feels when she says, “I call, I cling, I want - and there is no One to answer.” The difference, however, is that instead of running away into the pleasures and distractions of the world like I always have in these moments, she stood her ground. She dove even deeper into her work. She continued to dedicate her life to helping others.
Maybe it’s time I tried it her way.
Let’s end with one of Saint Theresa’s favorite prayers, “The Fragrance Prayer”:
Dear Jesus, help me to spread your fragrance everywhere I go.
Flood my soul with your spirit and life.
Penetrate and possess my whole being so utterly,
that my life may only be a radiance of yours.
Shine through me, and be so in me
that every soul I come in contact with
may feel your presence in my soul.
Let them look up and see no longer me, but only Jesus!
Stay with me and then I shall begin to shine as you shine,
so to shine as to be a light to others;
The light, O Jesus will be all from you; none of it will be mine;
it will be you, shining on others through me.
Let me thus praise you the way you love best, by shining on those around me.
Let me preach you without preaching, not by words but by my example,
by the catching force of the sympathetic influence of what I do,
the evident fullness of the love my heart bears to you.
Faith is not just a feeling. Neither is it just a belief. Perhaps most of all, it is a choice
This!! What else is faith but a choice to believe? I've written and lost this 3x
I love that you ended up writing something very close to that. This is so very lovely... Mother Theresa's "if you want to change the world, go home and love your family" has been on my heart for a few years.. (assuming she said it, seems a Lil modern but whatevs)
Loving like these unbelievable people who walked before us is a wonderful thing to aspire too. Sort of of strikes me w that whole, shoot for the moon, if we fall at least we land among the stars type deal. Great read. Happy you're sticking to this theme 🙌
Also!!! It's easy to love the lovable.... right? I need that reminder on the reg
I bet she dealt w a lot of tough cookies in her day. "Love them anyway"