The Tao of Charlie
As many of you know, I got a puppy (named Charlie) last week. It’s only been a week, but my relationship with this pup has already taught me some pretty extraordinary lessons and completely changed my life. Let me explain…
As I’ve quickly learned, raising a puppy is not an easy endeavor. He pees and poops everywhere, and when he’s awake he’s always teething. His tiny fangs don’t make that an enjoyable exercise for the fingers (hah!). On the flip side, he’s the sweetest and most adorable creature I’ve ever encountered. The proposition that it’s my responsibility to raise him is as gratifying as it is frightening. Another life is in my hands - that’s the real deal.
For the last five and a half years of my sobriety, I’ve been trying to improve myself and grow as much as possible. Constantly trying to work on my defects and become a better human beings is part of what keeps me sane and sober. however, as many of you have seen in my writings, there have been some things that I’ve found near-impossible to change, especially involving anything that revolves around lustful behavior. This includes women, porn and everything in between. For many years, it seemed like no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake this craving for pleasure. It was like my brain went numb and all the promises and wishes I ever declared went out the window.
During the last few weeks, while I’ve been journeying through the landscape that is Christianity, I’ve prayed for relief from this. On top of that, some you have been praying for (and with) me as well. I thought that maybe I’d wake up one day and the craving would be magically gone, that God would just heal me with a flick of his magic wand.
That’s not at all how it happened. Instead, He gave me a puppy. He gave me a life to look after. He gave me shit and piss and biting and whining. He gave me a little creature that falls asleep on my leg. All of sudden, all of that old behavior has vanished. I don’t have a single moment to myself that enables me to engage in any selfish or self-pleasing behavior, and even if I did, that burning desire is gone. I want to give this puppy the best life he could possibly have, and time spent selfishly fucking around is just not going to allow that to happen.
Sometimes, the nature of blessings can be strange and not at all what we expect them to be. All I know is that the things that plagued my heart and spirit for years have vanished overnight. Some would call that a miracle, and I wouldn’t disagree. I look back now and can’t help but laugh at all the turmoil and anguish my own will caused me. I didn’t realize how selfish my life became - that wasn’t my intention at all. It’s taken real responsibility for me to get the proper perspective on these things.
Dogs are wonderful creatures. They’re a huge commitment, but they’re called “man’s best friend” for a reason. I anticipate that Charlie and I will continue to teach each other many things over the course of the next few months and years. With that in mind, I’m sure he’ll be showing up here quite often as we venture through the world.
Don’t get me wrong, the level of responsibility I now have is frightening, but through my sobriety I’ve learned to how to deal with these situations. All I can do is take the next right action, one day at a time. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, in a month or in a year from now. What I do know is that there’s a puppy sleeping next to me as I write this. When he wakes up, I’m going to need to feed him and give him some water, make sure he goes to the bathroom outside and play with him until he calms down. Those are the actions I can take today, so those are the things I’ll do.
I’m not going to tell you that getting a puppy will fix all your problems, but I’ll surely say that it will completely change your perspective. Especially if you find yourself stuck in the same type of rut I was stuck in. Before that, though, start with prayer. It does work, but most definitely not in the way that you think it should or want it to. The Will God - the Way of All Things - has much greater plans for you than you could make up for yourself. Can’t hurt to give it a try and keep the line open.
A New Beginning
I want to take a moment to recognize where I’m at…
I own my own business and I’m financially stable.
My living situation is set for the foreseeable future.
I have an incredible group of friends and family.
I have a fun and loving little puppy.
I have creative outlets that I plan on expanding heavily in 2024.
So, why do I still feel like I want more?
By more I don’t mean the “mores” that used to occupy my mind. I don’t want more women, more wealth, more sex, or more recognition. I don’t want more in terms of having things for myself. I want more in the sense of giving more to this world, of creating something extraordinary. I could just throw in the towel and head towards the sunset as a contractor living on Long Island, like many who came before me. I still can’t help shake the feeling that I’m destined for something more, though I can’t say I know exactly what it is.
I spent my twenties learning and failing. I had an amateur career in music and did a ton of cool and noteworthy things, but in the end I always fell short. I never got the record deal and never “went viral” or got wide recognition. This was in no small part due to the fact that I’ve always struggled with the relationship between creativity and promotion - something I still struggle with. I never put money in the right places, never tried to brand myself in a particular way, and never tried to “sell my soul” so to speak. I don’t regret it for a second, but my “hope and pray” strategy was doomed from the start. I sit here now with million upon millions of plays on my music and absolutely nothing to show for it.
Similarly, the “career” that I dedicated the other half of my life to fell apart. I worked in the professional services industry for eight years, and at this point it’s like it never happened. I thought I needed to make money, I thought I had to please certain people, I thought it was safe to do what everyone else did. Half of me was a creative rebel while the other half worked in a cubicle. I’m not knocking or praising either way, but in my case they did not work well together. I never went all in in any direction, and as the years passed both suffered and eventually burned out.
The through line during my twenties was never feeling “okay”. Sure, I had some spurts, but never for that long. Getting sober was not easy thing, but not in the ways I thought in the beginning. The giving up drugs and alcohol was the easy part - it was the ensuing five years of uncontrollable emotions, destructive relationships and constantly unmet expectations that were the real struggle. My inner life was all torn up, and as I look back now it’s no surprise that reflected in my outer life. As above, so below - as within, so without. I never found stable ground to walk on, and I never could give to this world what I thought I was capable of giving.
It’s amazing how time flies. It’s like I woke up one day and was five years sober and 32 years old. Growing up I always thought that I’d be all settled and on my path in my thirties, but today I find myself more on the path to finding the path (if that makes sense). For the first time in my life, I’m “okay” on a fundamental level. I’ve got the love and power of God and Christ behind me in a real way, and I’ve put aside the strongest desires that ruled me before. It feels like I’ve finally reached the beginning, that everything up to this point has been a prologue to the true life I’m meant to live.
I don’t know what it’s going to look like. I’m definitely not getting any younger, but if I’m being honest, age doesn’t cross my mind too often. I still feel 22 in body, mind and spirit. I still have moral qualms with shameless promotion and social media, and I still see the same walls in front of me that I’ve always seen. That said, I’ve never this force - of hope and strength and love - behind me in this way. If I learned anything in my twenties it’s that my will and my way won’t get me to where I want to go. It can get me close, but I need more to get across the finish line. I can say with confidence that today I have that “more”.
What I know is that in terms of creativity I will be going all out this year. I’ll be writing here and other places, and I’m taking another major swing at music within a few months time. I have a ton of ideas, and I’m not going to quit until I know that the work I’ve set out to do is finished. Maybe that takes the form of writing, maybe that takes the form of music. Maybe that takes the form of setting off into the wilderness and living out there for awhile. The point is I don’t know, and I don’t have to know. All I have to do is pray and the answers will come.
P.S. There’s only so much that prose can cover, and I’m starting to access the more abstract parts of myself again via poetry. If that’s your thing, you can find it here (click image for link):
Hopefully you'll want to find ways to give the world more in all different forms throughout your life.
You have really just started your life's journey and already have achieved amazing things.
Our animals teach us so much if we are willing to learn.
Unconditional love and devotion
Waking up and enjoying each day as if it is their first day on earth , with no thought of the past and no worries for the future...
The saying" I want to be the person my dog thinks I am" gives us words to live by.
As well as thinking about what "dog spelled backwards "tells us about these wonderful creatures.
So happy for you!!!!!