When a friend asked me to do a piece on attachment theory, one thought immediately came to mind: bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I wasn’t referring to my friend, nor was I referring to attachment theory itself. I was thinking much broader, about the “Zeitgeist of Healing” that inundates me everywhere I go. These days, it’s punk rock if you don’t have a therapist or haven’t read The Body Keeps the Score (if you were wondering, yes, I am punk rock). We talk about attachment styles over chardonnay, trade memes about our suicidal depression, and talk incessantly about that one word I can’t stand…t-r-a-u-m-a.
T-r-a-u-m-a is everywhere. From social media ads to television shows to hot topics on first dates, I can’t go a day without being reminded to “work on my mental health”. It’s the new vogue, the Pokémon of 1997. But instead of a codex of little volatile creatures, we have a codex of little volatile behaviors- and we collect them and show them off just as much as we did those stupid cards in the late 90’s.
There are a few things I need to say before I continue. Yes, mental illness is very, very real. Suicidal depression and debilitating anxiety are real. Psychosis and schizophrenia are real. Therapy is an amazing tool for those suffering from mental disorder and those who have nowhere else to go - it saves lives every single day. Before you brush me off as someone who doesn’t know what he’s talking about, let me just tell you - I was that guy. I was the guy who did therapy every week, who spent countless hours reading books and doing guided mediations all under the guise of “healing my childhood trauma”. I did this for years. I was just waiting for the day I would finally explode in the great orgasm of “HEALING!” Unsurprisingly, that day never came.
I was so obsessed with the forest I couldn’t see the trees. I went to therapy every week just waiting to unlock the secret code in my brain that would make all my pain go away, but while I waited…my actions be damned. When I first went to therapy, I would go sit in the chair for an hour whining about girl problems while I drank myself to oblivion every night. Forgot to mention that part to the therapist. After I got sober, I would sit in the (Zoom) chair for an hour whining about girl problems while I compulsively acted out and broke women’s hearts. Forgot to mention that part to the therapist. You see a theme? I was so desperately waiting for that magical healing elixir that I forgot the most important part about life - the only thing we have is the present moment.
That’s the thing that bothers me so much about the Zeitgeist of Healing (Trademark 2022). It never ends. There’s workshops, retreats, ecstatic dances, meditation ceremonies, hell…there’s even orgies. The entire goal of the thing eventually bends back upon itself, and people will do pretty much anything to keep the wheel spinning. There are entire communities built around this (if I seem salty, it’s because I am - I had a rough go with one of these communities recently - *admitted writer bias*). The entire thing becomes a vehicle not to heal the trauma, but to keep it alive and well in a Twilight Zone-esque negative feedback loop.
Let’s get back to attachment theory. Look, I get it, it’s cool. The attachment styles are scarily accurate and each and every one of us can say we belong to one (or more) of the styles and attract one (or more) of the styles. What I’m saying, though, is that it’s no different than the Language of the Zeitgeist, which is (obviously) astrology. Let’s play a little game:
I’m a Leo. A quick Google search informs me that I can be “arrogant, inflexible, lazy, dogmatic and prideful, domineering, jealous and competitive.” Got it. So if I’m being an inflexible, lazy, jealous asshole it’s not my fault, it’s “omg he’s such a Leo lol.”
I’m an avoidant attachment style. A quick Google search informs me that I “run away from commitment (painfully true), value independence and freedom, and fear being consumed.” Got it. So the next time I break someone’s heart and run away it’s not my fault, it’s “omg he’s such an avoidant lol.”
I hope you get my point. It’s beneficial to understand where we come from and the elements that made us, but it can also be a convenient cop out. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. I know this might be a hard pill to swallow. It doesn’t matter what box a psychologist puts you in, just as it doesn’t matter what time of the year you were born. The only thing that matters is what you do at any given moment. No matter what sign or style you are, you are responsible for each and every thing you do. Action is the only way to break the loop.
Do you find yourself trapped in anxiety and depression? Start exercising and change your diet. Do that every day and it will get better, 100% money-back guarantee. Do you find yourself attracting the same kind of toxic relationships into your life? Just stop, sweetie. Don’t answer the texts, delete the snapchats, teach yourself the importance of saying “no”. Do that every day and it will get better, 100% money-back guarantee. Can’t stop obsessing over your past? Write about it. Start with a few words every day and gradually increase. Do that every day…you know the drill by now.
The truth is, there are seasons to everything. There are seasons for pain, there are seasons for mistakes, there are seasons for therapy, there are seasons for healing. The one thing all of these have in common is that throughout them all you have the power to act. You have the power to make a different choice. You have the power to not let t-r-a-u-m-a dictate the person you are today. You have the power to break the loop. I don’t care if you’re an Ultra-Super-Detached Capricornaurus, you already have everything you need within you. I’ll end on this quote with an old Irish Proverb:
You’ll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.