"Trust Me"

A voice cries out in the night...

Things haven’t been going my way lately. I haven’t been getting exactly what I want - in work, relationships, all of it. Usually this would be the time for self-deprecation and that insidious question: “Why me?”

When this “Denis-doesn’t-get-immediate-gratification” period started, that’s exactly what I asked myself. I felt like I was doing everything right, and God was just fucking with me. I was expecting rewards for my good behavior to the tune of paper transactions and late-night kisses, but none of these things came. I sat in the bitter morass of self-pity for a week or so, then - from what seemed like out of nowhere - I heard a voice. It said only two words: “Trust me.”

At first this voice was soft, but as the weeks progressed it grew louder and louder. Sure, one can say it came from my own mind, but it really didn’t feel like that. It simply felt like it came from…somewhere else. Unaware of the source, I decided to trust it. I decided to listen. All of a sudden, I started to see a new reality being shaped before me. I started to understand my life and my place in this world in a completely new way. I started to see very fabric of fate itself.

The thing about having an addictive mind is that it’s very shortsighted. If I see something I want and get it, I’m happy. If I don’t, I’m disappointed. It’s difficult for me to take a bird’s eye view of my own life and assess it from that vantage point. What if I had it all wrong? What if everything I didn’t get was part of a greater plan for my life? Would it be possible to have faith in such an unknown?

“Trust me.” The voice kept repeating. My eyes began to open and I started to see the butterfly effect unfolding in real time. Maybe work was so slow because that alcoholic needed my help at that exact moment. Maybe it didn’t work out with that girl because in reality I wasn’t ready for it to work out.

Hmmm. This was an interesting proposition.

Soon, “maybe” became “definitely”. The path got clearer and clearer. Not only that, I was able to look back upon my life and see the beauty in everything - the good, the bad, the ugly. Those nights spent bleeding out on the floor (figuratively) were not in vain after all. My life, with all of its challenges and struggles, suddenly came into focus. My story came alive.

We like to believe miracles are big things. Sometimes they are, but from what I’ve seen the greatest miracles are actually the things that never happen. They’re the disastrous roads we unknowingly never walked down as the orchestra of fate plays in the backgrounds of our lives. Every moment there is an infinite amount of possibilities before us; so much could go so wrong, yet it doesn’t. That in and of itself is enough to be grateful for, even if it’s not as flashy as walking on water.

I’m sure that it comes as no surprise that I believe the voice that now resides within me is God. My natural inclination is not to trust anything or anyone, so there’s simply no way it’s coming from me. All I know is that life has been so much sweeter since I started to hear it. Trust, faith, hope - these words are so often thrown around like cliche bumper stickers; however, when they are fully realized and embodied they have the power to transform our lives and our experiences. They are the necessary ingredients for lasting change.

You may ask how I’m so sure of this. I can only respond with two simple words:

“Trust me.”