Understand one thing
if and when you drink
from this vast ocean
you can’t control it, no
-Jack Johnson, “You Can’t Control It”
I crave control.
I want everything to go my way, all the time.
I want life to bend to my will, to accommodate each and every feeling I have.
I want to feel good, all day every day.
You and I both know this is not how life works. Despite my earnest wishes, I have to learn again and again that no matter what I do, I’m not always in the driver’s seat of my life. There’s a much greater force beyond me, and it always has the final say.
Some call it Fate. Others call it God. Others call it Dao, Universe or Spirit. The names and forms are endless, but the singular fact remains:
It’s not me.
This is the truth, but that doesn’t mean I like it. I want to play God. I want to satisfy my every desire and garner the respect and admiration of everyone around me. I want everything to work out the way I envision it. I want, and I want some more. Trust me when I tell you, it never works out that way. The more I want, the less I receive. The more expectations I have, the more I’m let down. The more I hold onto things, the less I’m able to keep them. This is the Great Paradox. Trying to understand it is one thing, but living it out is another story entirely.
This has been one of the most beautiful periods of my life. I’ve started a successful business and created stronger and more intimate relationships with those closest to me. I’ve met some extraordinary, beautiful people along the way. I don’t have enough hands to count the blessings in my life; however, there’s also been an equal amount of loss. I’ve had to say goodbye to people who’ve meant the most to me in the last few years, and some who I thought would mean the most to me in the years to come. No matter what I tried to do, I couldn’t stop it - I was completely powerless. The hand of fate treated my will like a chew toy. Now, I find myself once again left with the uncertainty of where my life will go and who it will be with.
I’ve been here many times before, but this time it’s different…
Five years ago, this is the thing that would have led me straight to the bottom of a bottle.
Three years ago, this is the thing that would have led me to a debilitating anxiety spiral.
One year ago, this is the thing that would have led me to a dark, depressive period of pain and nihilism.
Today, I’m okay. Not just okay, but grateful. I’ve experienced life enough to understand that the hand of fate knows what I need more than I ever will, even if it doesn’t feel like that now. This reminds me of a quote from Paolo Coelho:
If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.
So much of growing up is about learning to be okay with uncertainty. It’s about learning to be able to let go of the fantasies we’ve created for ourselves. It’s about being beaten and broken down only to arise anew, creating new dreams, new visions and new possibilities. It’s about being content with it all, whether we’re up, down or somewhere in between. Most of all, it’s about trusting the hand of fate even when all seems lost and hopeless.
I’ll end with something a wise old man (my father) once told me:
Son,
If you don’t believe there is a power greater than yourself, I want you to go down to the beach…
Go into the water. Plant your feet, stretch your arms out and try to stop a wave…
If you can do it, then you’re right - there’s nothing greater than you…
Throughout my life, I’ve tried to stop wave after wave.
Try as I might, I still haven’t managed to do it.
-D
P.S. I also write poetry, which you can find here: