An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life: “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. ”It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “If you feed them right, they both win. You see, if I only choose to feed the light wolf, the dark one will be hiding around every corner waiting for me to become distracted or weak and jump to get the attention he craves. He will always be angry and always fighting the light wolf. But if I acknowledge him, he is happy and the light wolf is happy and we all win. For the dark wolf has many qualities – tenacity, courage, fearlessness, strong-willed and great strategic thinking – that I have need of at times and that the light wolf lacks. But the light wolf has compassion, caring, strength and the ability to recognize what is in the best interest of all.
“You see, son, the light wolf needs the dark wolf at his side. To feed only one would starve the other and they will become uncontrollable. To feed and care for both means they will serve you well and do nothing that is not a part of something greater, something good, something of life. Feed them both and there will be no more internal struggle for your attention. And when there is no battle inside, you can listen to the voices of deeper knowing that will guide you in choosing what is right in every circumstance. Peace, my son, is the Cherokee mission in life. A man or a woman who has peace inside has everything. A man or a woman who is pulled apart by the war inside him or her has nothing. “How you choose to interact with the opposing forces within you will determine your life. Starve one or the other or guide them both.”
–Cherokee Story
Source: https://www.drnicolepoell.com/blog/2018/7/10/blog-headline-376gb-tm28t
For most of my life, I was deathly afraid of doing “bad” things. Raised as an Irish Catholic, I had plenty of Bible verses melded into my brain that sounded something like, “If you commit a sin, sky daddy will punish you forever.” It’s taken me over three decades to see just how far the rabbit hole of Catholic guilt extends in my spirit. What I’m about to write will most definitely be considered blasphemous to some, and I’m perfectly okay with that.
I spent my entire life desperately trying to feed the light wolf. In my youth, that looked like bible study, altar service and boys’ choir. As I grew, it became perfect grades and athletic performance. As I matured into an adult, that became pedestalizing women and doing things I thought society wanted me to do. I just wanted to be a “good” guy. Problem with that was, it failed. Every time.
I’ll admit, I was an angel as a child, but enough years spent running from the dark wolf had its consequences. As soon as alcohol touched my lips at the age of sixteen, he started showing up more and more - most of the time when I least wanted him to. Thus began an internal conflict that lasted for nearly two decades, and in many ways persists to this day. My story was one of good intentions with bad results. I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be accepted, I wanted people to like me - yet I destroyed everything in my path. From my relationship to my parents to a long string of broken-hearted women, my journey became a scorched earth policy. It wasn’t until I got sober that I gave up the victim card - “Why me?” was a refrain I’d find myself repeating over and over again. Something I was doing was causing this, and I needed to find out why.
I wish I could say that at that point I figured it all out, but it’s taken another five years to mature and understand the nature of most, if not all, of my self-created problems: I never let myself feed the dark wolf. In my head, I was always fighting to feed the light, always striving to be some sort of Christ-like, perfectionist character that I had completely fabricated. Judging by my actions, I was never the thing I thought I was. Enter shame, guilt, remorse - the list goes on. Over time, what was once a small battle inside me became an all-out war. Scary part is, I was unaware of so much of this - I knew something was wrong, but I could never figure out what it was.
The truth is, my dark side runs deep. I can be cunning and manipulative, brooding and sinister. I can be a liar, a cheater and a hypocrite. Sometimes, I want attention and validation from all the wrong places. Sometimes, all I want is a good, hard fuck. Funny thing is, that doesn’t make me a “bad” person, nor is it even something I should run away from. I am ALL of these things, in conjunction with all of the light qualities within me. I have two wolves within me, and both must be fed. I’ve come to learn that peace truly does follow the acceptance of this simple fact.
Since I’ve earnestly made an effort to loosen the reigns and accept both parts of myself, I’ve found that life becomes more of a dance than a struggle. The universe constantly provides food for both wolves. When it provides light, I accept. When it provides dark, I accept. Yes, there are consequences to each and every action and decision I make, but when I am in alignment with what the universe is providing for me, I know that everything will work out as it should.
At the end of the day, all things return to balance and equilibrium. There are seasons that lean toward the light, just as there are seasons that lean toward the dark. Most of the time, it’s a chaotic mix of both. There’s certainly no objective prescription - each of us has our own unique combination of light and dark elements. There is, however, a question:
Which wolf will you feed?
-D