Become The Unicorn

Anxiety and the ripple effect...

As many of you reading this know, I’ve suffered from anxiety my entire life. Whether it’s been in the form of OCD or hypochondria, acute social awkwardness and difficulty, or related to traumatic events or painful relationships, anxiety has been the battle ground in which I’ve struggled to understand myself and the world around me. As I look back now, I can’t help but be grateful for it. I wouldn’t take it back, even in the most painful moments.

See, anxiety is what made me the human being I am today. It’s what led me to get sober, the single greatest decision I’ve ever made. It led me to strongman lifting, one of the things I enjoy most. It led me to music and writing, the creative outlets I find absolutely necessary to express myself and live a full, enriched life. I’m the type of person who changes only when the pain is greater than I can handle, and anxiety has brought me to that place time and time again.

An interesting question came to mind lately: what if I never had anxiety? What if I was completely content and at peace with myself? What would my life have looked like? I imagine a reality in which I never became an alcoholic. Among other factors, anxiety played a huge part in why I drank and took drugs the way I did. I imagine a reality in which I became a social butterfly, wooing women and making friends with strangers instead of feeling trapped in a mind-prison. I imagine I would have figured my life out much earlier, made tons of money, and did all the things I perceive “normal people” do.

So what is all this? Fantasy, through and through. For starters, life never works out the way I think it will. All these dreams of orgasm and grandeur would have undoubtedly looked much different than anything my mind could conjure. On top of that, I would never have experienced the key ingredients that made me who I am today - and I love who I am today. I never would have felt the pain of feeling alone in a room full of people. I never would have felt the sting of rejection and the regret of being too scared to say the things I wanted to say and do the things I wanted to do. I never would have been dragged through the depths of alcoholic hell, and I never would have tasted the freedom of sobriety. These things may sound icky and scary, but in time they became the guard rails that brought me to this exact place in my life, to my own unique self. Strange how it works, huh?

I was talking to a friend the other day about the concept of uniqueness, and balancing the feeling of being unique with the need to be one amongst many. I find that I’m often terrified to say that I’m unique, in fear of being perceived as arrogant or egotistic. In my heart of hearts, though, I know that I am. Evidence alone indicates this - I’ve yet to meet anyone who does the conglomerate of things I do, from the strongman lifts to the Daily Reflections to the millions of Spotify streams. No, that does not make me better than anyone. It just makes me me.

Of course, there’s some wrestling that goes along with this. Do I do all the things I do for praise, attention and admiration? Do I do them to fill a hole inside my heart, something I never received and always felt was missing? Sure, this exists to some extent, as I think it does with anything and anyone. But at the core, it’s always been about driving forward and finding a place to put the fire that endlessly burns within me. That fire and my anxious spirit go hand in hand - without one, I wouldn’t have the other.

When I look back at the acne-riddled boy who just wanted to be accepted and loved, when I look back on the rejection and the shame, I now see the seeds of the man I was destined to become. Pain and anxiety are what brought me here, as my guides and my teachers, and they will continue to bring me to places I can’t yet imagine. I have done some incredible things, and will always strive to do more. I have them to thank for all of it.

I don’t write any of this to gloat, but rather to inspire you to find your own spark, your own unique combination of quirks and attributes. Often times these things are found in the places we least expect them, in the things we perceive as “negative” and want to run away from. I wish nothing more than for you to trudge your own path of Happy Destiny, and big or small as you wish that to be. The world needs it, now more than ever.

Your path begins and ends with you. Become the unicorn you were always meant to be.

-D