I’ve wrestled with many concepts in these Daily Reflections, most of which being things we all contend with on a daily basis. Of all of these things, vagueness is the most sinister. It doesn’t sound so bad compared to things like greed and anger, but that’s the whole point. Its weapon is its innocence. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve harmed myself due to vagueness. It is my intention to explore this in today’s reflection.
First, let’s define what vagueness is, because being vague about vagueness won’t help. The dictionary definitions of vagueness are “lack of certainty or distinctness” and “lack of preciseness in thought or communication”. That’s straightforward enough and a good start, but it doesn’t really tell us what vagueness is or how we experience it. What does vagueness feel like? What comes to mind is a very simple expression - “eh.” Underneath that tiny, split-second phrase is an ocean of emotion. Pain, resentment, self-hatred, jealousy, lust. All of these things lurk in the background of one tiny, laissez-faire moment. The image of an innocent fawn in the ruthless wild comes to mind here, with dark forces just waiting to pounce.
Vagueness is like a tiny crack in the ceiling of a house. 99% of the time it doesn’t cause any real problems, but when that yearly monsoon hits, the entire house gets flooded. It’s the entryway for everything we fear, the back door to all the things we don’t want to be. It’s so insidious because we don’t realize it until it’s too late, until we find ourselves in situations we don’t want to be in. This is how guilt, shame and trauma are born within us. This is how the wheel of karma (Buddhist saṃsāra) continues to drive our lives and determine our fate. That is, until we decide to stop it.
What this brings up for me is all the times in my life I’ve tried to commit to periods of solitude. I’ve gone into these periods with such good intention, but I’ve never been able to see them through. I had a strong end goal in mind - a period of solitude in order to face my demons and learn to actually love myself - but I had vagueness around how I was going to get there. For example, would it be alright if I hooked up with someone for a night? Eh, I guess. Would it be alright if I met someone and got close to them? I mean, I don’t see why not. Obviously these things aren’t “bad” within themselves, but in relation to the goal I had set out for myself, I was set up to fail. I inevitably found myself in a relationship or entanglement shortly after I had set out, wondering how I had gotten there. At the end of the day, I was unable to face myself and my pain, and it echoed throughout my future.
Like the crack in the ceiling, vagueness is how opposing forces seep into our lives, regardless of intention. The thing that I’ve learned is they will always find you. In my personal example above, I had vagueness about how I was going to experience women, attraction, “vibes”. Without fail, those things found me. It’s as if the external world recognized my intention and put these things in my path as a test. Perhaps I stayed strong the first few times, but without clarity I inevitably succumbed to the “eh” and was back on the ever-spinning wheel.
See, that’s the thing that’s needed when we want to make real, lasting change and see our intentions through - clarity. Clarity can be felt, and even if it’s not felt, it can be manifested through choice. If you’ve read my Daily Reflections, you know that I hold making choices in high regard.
I’m about to enter another period of solitude, and this time, I’m clear. I know exactly what I will do, and I know exactly what I won’t do. There’s nothing left for interpretation, no edges to be pushed or boundaries to be tested. I know exactly what I want and how to get there. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy, but at least I’m not kidding myself. Life will surely throw the opposing forces at me, and I will be ready. I don’t just believe this, I know this.
Today, I challenge you to take a long, hard look at your own life and bring awareness around your suffering. I’d be willing to bet there is some sort of vagueness at its core, maybe in ways you haven’t even realized. Play a little game with yourself and imagine what it would look like to rip off the band aid and live each moment with conviction. The choice is yours - right here, right now.