If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break
If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break
When the levee breaks, I'll have no place to stay
-Led Zeppelin, “When the Levee Breaks”
Before I started writing and building Modern Bronze, I was stuck. I was stuck physically, repeating the same things over and over again each day, not going in any forward direction. I was stuck mentally, unable to cope with my inability to “make it” as a musician and unclear about where my life and career were headed. I was stuck emotionally, operating from a collection of old thoughts and ideas that made it impossible for me to grow into the mature man I’ve always envisioned.
I was blind to all of it.
I was blind to all of it, but subconsciously I knew something was off. Really off. I felt like there was this monster trapped inside of me (see yesterday’s post - “Jason”) that was cannibalizing me from the inside out. It made me feel like my heart was covered in tree sap. I had so much emotion pent up inside of me, and I hadn’t the slightest clue of what to do with it.
Then one day, after what now feels like a divinely ordained series of events, I wrote about it. For other people. I got over all the bullshit that for 30 years told me my voice wasn’t important enough to be heard. I wrote, and I continued to write. I made a commitment to write every day for 100 days. Now, I can’t see myself stopping even then. Sure, the Daily Reflections will change form with time, but I won’t stop writing. I never want to go back to that place again.
For me, every word is a raindrop. As I’ve written about my experiences and explored the inner working of my heart, mind and soul, these raindrops have built up and broken the levee that was my former self. All of the walls, all of the lies, all of the hypocrisy. They no longer have a place to stay. Granted, none of this was intentional - I just felt the burning desire to create, and started doing it. I’ve been letting the process take me wherever it needs to go, and it’s no coincidence that all of my secrets have come to light and been exposed. The thing is, I know I can’t take them with me where I’m headed. If I want to be a beacon of light, I have to live in the light. Anything less will find a way to bleed through these pages and cheapen my message. It’s hard to explain what this feels like, but I know it’s what’s exactly supposed to happen.
When the levee breaks, the old foundation we set our lives upon falls apart. Destruction is inevitable, but the ensuing flood washes away the remnants of what was to make room for something new. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what I’ll be able to keep. I don’t what else I’m going to have to lose. What I do know is that no matter what, I’m ready for it all. For the first time in my life, I’m ready to step up and live in alignment with my word. For the first time in my life, I’m ready to be a man.
If there’s any lesson you can ever take away from me, I hope it’s this - write. I’ll say it before and I’ll say it again. Writing is not a unique ability I possess - it’s one we all share as human beings. It’s no secret that the Gospel of John begins with “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” Our ability to speak and express ourselves is a divine gift, and it’s one that took me too long to realize. I would love to hear what each and every one of you has to say. That’s how we grow from a one-sided following into a reciprocating community, which is the real goal of all of this.
Remember, you are worthy to be heard. You are worthy to be seen. Don’t let the chattering monkeys in your mind tell you otherwise. Write. Create. Wash away your heart-sap. You may find the path you’ve always been looking for, and you may just help a few people along the way.
Gorgeous! In my book you are already a spectacular human!
Thank you for sharing your metamorphis with all!!! I'll say it again- so brave!
I do believe we are all gifted with the ability to create- but don't sell yourself short-you are a gifted writer with a distinct literary voice- can't wait for tomorrows reflection!!!!