How many times have you asked yourself, “Why Me?”
Why do I have to do all the work?
Why am I the one who got sick?
Why did I fall in love with someone who brings me so much pain?
The list goes on. We imagine the reality in which we got everything the way we wanted, and it seems not-so-far away. It’s easy to fall into this line of thinking - so many of life’s events seem random, so it’s essentially a 50/50 shot if “good” or “bad” things happen to us (a frivolous but understandable line of thought). Personally, I know the feeling all too well. It’s a burning in the gut, a desire filled with remorse and longing. “I just wish things were different.”
On the flip side, we often ask ourselves, “Why Not Me?”
Why didn’t I get the promotion?
Why wasn’t I born pretty?
Why can’t I find a love like everyone around me?
We see (mostly through the fantasy of social media) how everyone around us is happy, beautiful and successful, and it’s easy to get caught up in that dreadful narrative of self-loathing - since other people have all the things we want, that must mean there’s something inherently wrong with us. For me, this question bubbles up most around relationships. I’ve experienced great love, but nothing’s ever worked out the way I wanted. I’ve been so close, yet time and time again I find myself alone, all of my own doing. All around me, I see my peers getting married, having children, living “normal” lives; meanwhile, I’m married to the words on this page. At the end of the day, I’ve never been so close to just giving up and swearing it off entirely (by it, I mean love). Throwing in the towel, calling it quits - it was a good ride, but it’s not for me.
Let’s take a second to breathe. Before I become a monk and move out to a monastery to live a life of solitude, let’s look at a completely different way to approach the same question, “Why not me?”
Why wouldn’t I have to endure more struggle and work harder for the promotion? This will only make me better, and that will help me in my career long-term.
Why wouldn’t I be born ugly? It has taught me how to work for everything I want and not to rely on hand-outs.
Why wouldn’t I have had all this trouble with love? I now know my boundaries and what I actually want from a partner, and this path is leading me so something I could never have imagined.
You see the difference? The first two questions come from a place of victimhood, the third comes from a place of power. There’s a gift at the end of each and every unfortunate reality or situation we encounter. What it all boils down to is another question, “Do you really know what you want?”
Are the things that sound good and feel good what you really want?
If you got them, would you be able to keep them as the person you are today?
I think you’d find the answer to these questions revealing if you took the time to meditate on them. Life has a strange way of giving us exactly what we need and exactly what we’re capable of handling at any given moment. Now that I think about it, let’s go back a step further and ask an even more important question. “What’s the point?”
Is the point of life to get everything you want?
Is it to make a million dollars?
Is it to have sex?
Is it to live forever?
I think most sane people to say “no” to all of these questions. So why do we pine for what we don’t have and wish things didn’t happen to us? The truth is, we all end up in the same place - death is the great equalizer. All the money you make and people you sleep with don’t accompany you on the Broad Highway. The natural conclusion I make is acceptance. Radical acceptance of all the things that we are and all the things that happen to us. These are the things that make us individuals, that make us unique. These are the thing that teach us our own definitions of purpose and the meaning of life.
This reminds me of a few quotes from the Dao de Jing:
Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.
Perhaps the purpose of life is to be ready for death. How do we do that? By accepting everything that comes our way. By understanding that “good” and “bad” are theories not facts, and that no matter what happens it can be used as a lesson. I certainly didn’t grow up thinking I was going to be an alcoholic, but that is what happened, and guess what? Finally admitting to myself and to another human that I am an alcoholic was the single greatest thing I’ve ever done. It changed the entire trajectory of my life, it changed the way I interface with the world. It changed everything.
I used to ask myself why I was born like this. I used to ask myself why I wasn’t born free of this addiction like so many others I see in the world. Today, I ask myself “Why not me?” I’m perfectly equipped for this life - to live sober and to help others trying to do the same. This is my path, my Way, my Dao. I wouldn’t trade it for any job, any amount of money, any woman.
I recall Jesus said chimed in on this topic as well:
Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.
I don’t take this passage as literally as some take it. To me, the most important part is “take up their cross”. We all have our own crosses - some of us are ugly, some of us have disabilities, some of us have cancer, some of us are addicts. None of these things are “bad” unless we label them that and compare ourselves with others. Our struggles and burdens are what mold us into stronger versions of ourselves, and there’s really no end-post in sight. Just keep going, keep fighting, keep living, and remember to ask yourself, “Why not me?”