All Hope Abandon Ye Who Enter Here

Confessions: 2/100

Not long ago, I was a man of faith.

I was sober off drugs and alcohol for a year, and I had recently come into a renewed relationship with God. I worked a recovery program that relit the spark of spirituality inside of me, and I even began speaking at my local Roman Catholic church. Days were filled with the writings of C.S. Lewis, and nights were filled with prayer and meditation. I didn’t date, I didn’t party, I didn’t seek escape. It was one of the most beautiful periods of my life. At the time, I thought my faith was unshakeable as I was riding high on this newfound way of life. I thought I had finally found the bedrock on which I would live the rest of my life. Boy, was I wrong.

It didn’t take much to bring the house of cards down. There was a girl, a certain story and a day in a garden. It is not my place to discuss the particulars, as most of them are not my own; however, I will discuss what happened to me as a result. I had encountered a situation that my mind was unable to comprehend, unable to process. To steal a line from Jordan Peterson, it was a situation that I was unable to fit into my idea of the absolute. My ideas of God, Christianity and Catholicism were working, but only up to a certain point. When I encountered something horrible, there was absolutely no place I could put it in my mind to make sense of it. The faith that I so adored was shattered in a mere moment, and I have yet to find it again. In many ways, I am embarking on this current endeavor to find something I lost four years ago.

Well…perhaps what I lost isn’t in fact the thing I’m looking for. Sure, I felt content and “happy” during that resurgence of spirituality in my life, but in reality that faith was paper. I wasn’t prepared for the truth - that life can be unfathomably harsh and brutal. I think we all encounter this truth in some way, and it’s precisely this encounter that is most influential in our perspectives on the world. It is different for everyone, depending on disposition, life expectations and a host of other subjective factors. For some it could be the death of a loved one, for others it could be a twisted betrayal, for others like myself it could be as simple as a story that shatters dreams. Whatever it may be, this encounter with the horrific reminds us that evil, however we wish to define it, exists.

For myself (and I’m sure for many others), this encounter had immediate reverberations. First and foremost, it birthed a heavy dose of cynicism, which still lives in the back of my mind, rent-free. It’s those age old questions:

If there’s a God, why would he allow such bad things to happen?

Why would he allow people to get away with such evil deeds?

I’ll tackle these questions in the future, but for now what’s important to know is that the seed of doubt was planted on that day and has grown ever since. From that cynicism, another seed soon formed - the seed of apathy. The questions then snowballed further:

If evil exists and (seemingly) prospers, what’s the point in trying to be “good”?

I might as well give into this temptation - what does it matter just this one time?

As you’d imagine, these questions sow more seeds, and more bleak questions arise ad infinitum. Before I knew it, I was completely locked up in confusion, fear and malaise. I didn’t even recognize the person in the mirror - it quite literally was not the same person who once read at masses and prayed to Jesus Christ. The problem of evil had entered through a tiny crack in my shiny armor of faith, and in no time of all I was riddled with spiritual disease. Life lost its shimmer. I, who once sang the name of the Christ in praise, no longer believed in Him.

That’s the unfortunate truth here. I haven’t believed in Christ, or God for that matter, for a long, long time.

For those of you that know me, this may come as a shock. I’ve positioned myself as a righteous, sober, spiritual man for years. I’ve written and spoken about the importance of God and my “strong” relationship with Him. This is truly my confession: it has all been a lie. That’s not to say I haven’t done everything I possibly could to recover my relationship with Him. I’ve tried everything - from eclectic spiritual rituals to studying magic esoteric arts. I crave a relationship with Him more than I ever have; however I know what that relationship feels like, and it’s simply not what I have. Again I’ll cite Peterson: the proof of belief is not in words, but actions. The fruit stems from the tree, and my actions over the course of the last few years are evidence of anything but faith. If I truly believe there is a God, and if I truly believe he was mad enough to send his Son down to live among us, I would behave in a completely different way than I do today. I always have noble intentions, but my true masters - cynicism and apathy - continue to dictate the final result.

If I truly believed, would I so readily give in to my lustful desires?

If I truly believed, would I cling so heavily to my body and my life?

If I truly believed, would I still see myself as a victim of “evil” things I can’t control?

I’d imagine the answer to these questions would be “no,” but that’s what I’m here to find out. I can’t help but think of the story of Job from the Bible. God allows Job’s life to be essentially napalmed by Satan in order to allow Job to prove the purity of his faith. I always remembered Job being a champion, being unwavering in the face of his encounter with the horrific. What I didn’t remember is how much Job struggles and wrestles with what is happening to him, especially in the face of some rather unsavory characters. Job remains solid in his faith and the story resolves triumphantly for Job, but not without much agonizing and existential questioning.

For me, Job is a spiritual ideal. I now understand that life is not all beautiful, and in many cases can be beyond horrifying. What I don’t know is how to allow all of it to fit into my idea of the absolute. What I don’t know is how to hold the extremes of good and evil under the same roof and call it “God”. What I don’t know is how to prevent that quiet whisper of nihilism from constantly leading me astray.

Perhaps Christ has the answers I’m looking for. The only way to know is to earnestly try. I wanted to start off with some backstory around where I’m coming from spiritually to give some semblance of a foundation for this work. There’s much more to the story than what I’ve written here, but this will suffice as a beginning. Surely, there’s more to be revealed. Let’s finish with one of the coolest prayers I’ve ever come across (which I happened to learn about today), called “St. Patrick’s Breastplate”:

I arise today 
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the Threeness,
Through confession of the Oneness
of the Creator of creation.

I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth with His baptism,
Through the strength of His crucifixion with His burial,
Through the strength of His resurrection with His ascension,
Through the strength of His descent for the judgment of doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of cherubim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the service of archangels,
In the hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In the prayers of patriarchs,
In the predictions of prophets,
In the preaching of apostles,
In the faith of confessors,
In the innocence of holy virgins,
In the deeds of righteous men.

I arise today, through
The strength of heaven,
The light of the sun,
The radiance of the moon,
The splendor of fire,
The speed of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of the sea,
The stability of the earth,
The firmness of rock.

I arise today, through
God's strength to pilot me,
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to save me
From snares of devils,
From temptation of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,
afar and near.

I summon today
All these powers between me and those evils,
Against every cruel and merciless power
that may oppose my body and soul,
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom,
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul;
Christ to shield me today
Against poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against wounding,
So that there may come to me an abundance of reward.

Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the Threeness,
Through confession of the Oneness
of the Creator of creation.