Someone said to me, when my heart was breaking, minutes out of St Francis where my Grandfather took his last breath, on the anniversary of my first year sober "God makes our hearts so big that He allows us to experience pain and joy at the same time". That woman looked me in the eye when she said it, I had no idea who she was. I was out of town and had never been to that particular church basement. She just totally struck me w that n it's stuck w me ever since. Perhaps I should share my own unfinished, messy writing today... I remember something I wrote down mentioned that even in horror and the heart ache, some part of me knows that this particular pain and twisted betrayal is for me too. The good is for me, the horrific is for me. Some part of me knows this is mine to experience. I don’t think I actively think ok God thanks for this major freakin wound.. and it doesn't mean I don’t act like a lunatic in my own head in the process but in the quite moments alone in my apartment I arrive w a knowing that this is mine. A not so sweet certainty, but a certainty nonetheless. We know the deal, everything we get to experience in this life makes us uniquely qualified to help somebody else. I thank God for that primary purpose. Otherwise Id probably break shit and run instead of curling up in the fetal position. Right? Bc that’s what i know how to do well, react.. be violent, be loud, be aggressive, cold. Some years ago if I’d get my Irish up, all bets were off. (If i could even stand up, lez be honest) Somehow today I bite my tongue. Today when I get angry, I cry. Hard. I stop in my tracks bc its dangerous for me and Something steps out in front of me to remind me to halt . Behind my confusion, anger and f this attitude is that confused little girl who is frightened beyond words. The body remembers. The body reacts. I notice body language more than I ever have bc I’ve become aware of my own. Like when people flinch, there’s something there. I’ve softened a lot to other people and seeing them for everything I don’t know about them. That’s def been God in my life. New eyes. There was probably a time I'd belike oh well that guy must be an asshole doin that weird thing w his face. Like jerkoff judgy status. Like no Jul maybe he was beat w a belt every night when he was a boy n his face is just starting to let some of that fear surface. Maybe he's been thru hell and is doing the best he can in his personal survival mode. Maybe the idea and overwhelming desire to know Jesus comes and goes thru life, I don't know yet. Subtle changes in my behavior thru the years show me that Somebody has had their hand on me even when I wasn't aware of it. I Def believe Grandma's prayers have a lot to do w it too bc damn that woman has the faith of Saint. Anyways- thanks for 2/100 and thanks for telling the truth. Makes way for us reading to share our big fat lies too 🙏
Someone said to me, when my heart was breaking, minutes out of St Francis where my Grandfather took his last breath, on the anniversary of my first year sober "God makes our hearts so big that He allows us to experience pain and joy at the same time". That woman looked me in the eye when she said it, I had no idea who she was. I was out of town and had never been to that particular church basement. She just totally struck me w that n it's stuck w me ever since. Perhaps I should share my own unfinished, messy writing today... I remember something I wrote down mentioned that even in horror and the heart ache, some part of me knows that this particular pain and twisted betrayal is for me too. The good is for me, the horrific is for me. Some part of me knows this is mine to experience. I don’t think I actively think ok God thanks for this major freakin wound.. and it doesn't mean I don’t act like a lunatic in my own head in the process but in the quite moments alone in my apartment I arrive w a knowing that this is mine. A not so sweet certainty, but a certainty nonetheless. We know the deal, everything we get to experience in this life makes us uniquely qualified to help somebody else. I thank God for that primary purpose. Otherwise Id probably break shit and run instead of curling up in the fetal position. Right? Bc that’s what i know how to do well, react.. be violent, be loud, be aggressive, cold. Some years ago if I’d get my Irish up, all bets were off. (If i could even stand up, lez be honest) Somehow today I bite my tongue. Today when I get angry, I cry. Hard. I stop in my tracks bc its dangerous for me and Something steps out in front of me to remind me to halt . Behind my confusion, anger and f this attitude is that confused little girl who is frightened beyond words. The body remembers. The body reacts. I notice body language more than I ever have bc I’ve become aware of my own. Like when people flinch, there’s something there. I’ve softened a lot to other people and seeing them for everything I don’t know about them. That’s def been God in my life. New eyes. There was probably a time I'd belike oh well that guy must be an asshole doin that weird thing w his face. Like jerkoff judgy status. Like no Jul maybe he was beat w a belt every night when he was a boy n his face is just starting to let some of that fear surface. Maybe he's been thru hell and is doing the best he can in his personal survival mode. Maybe the idea and overwhelming desire to know Jesus comes and goes thru life, I don't know yet. Subtle changes in my behavior thru the years show me that Somebody has had their hand on me even when I wasn't aware of it. I Def believe Grandma's prayers have a lot to do w it too bc damn that woman has the faith of Saint. Anyways- thanks for 2/100 and thanks for telling the truth. Makes way for us reading to share our big fat lies too 🙏