Today begins one hundred days of publications. Many of you know that I did this last year, writing for over one hundred days about anything and everything under the sun. Some of my best work came from that period, as well as some of my worst. I was stuck in a suffering season and my mind was scattered and disjointed, and I used writing as a way to cope with what was otherwise unbearable. This time, however, I am approaching this period from different footing. Sure, there are many existential questions and fears I’m currently struggling with (let’s be serious, when are there not?), but I’m not coming from that particular place of torment. Life feels lighter and more focused, and my mind is clear. Additionally, it seems that the mood changes from the shifting seasons have subsided. There is no better time to tackle the subject that I have been avoiding for the last year, the subject I will be writing about over the course of the next three-plus months. The subject is actually not a subject at all, but a man - and not just any man. Who I’m talking about is the man who singlehandedly changed the course of history over two thousand years ago. Who I’m talking about is Jesus Christ.
Now, there are many reasons (with many layers) as to why I’ve decided to dedicate this next period of writing life solely to Christ. These reasons will become clear as I introduce them over the course of the next few days, but there is one thing I want to get straight from the start. I realize that not all of you reading this are Christians, nor even religious or spiritual. At first glance I’m sure this revelation is a turn-off, but I encourage you to stick around. I can tell you some things this will not be:
This will not be a judgmental, “follow Christ or burn in hell” apology.
This will not try to tell you what to believe, how to live your life, or how to behave.
This will not be a ministry of any sort.
The truth is, I don’t know what to believe anymore. What I do know is that I find myself in some vague, gray area of belief that is simply not working for me. C.S. Lewis called this state “Christianity-and-water” - I’m sure many of you are familiar with it. It’s something like “yea Jesus was a good guy and had some good things to say, but, like, Buddhism is cool and magic is fun…and also science and stuff.” I joke, but I think you get the picture. In our current day and age, there’s just too much conflicting information about every little thing, and eventually it all becomes one big blob of nothingness. It is my goal to cut through all the noise and find out what really matters (for me at least). I can’t help but believe that I’m not alone in my current predicament - feeling stuck in that monotonous place that lies somewhere in the vast expanse between nihilism and zealotry. It’s that feeling that there must be more to this life - this simultaneously haunting and beautiful reality we live in - mixed with a sort of intellectual pride that won’t allow leaning in any particular direction. The result is something akin to slowly being dragged through mud, day in and day out. “A ship without a sail” is another way to say it. Perhaps the most powerful ideal a human being can hold is conviction in something positive and beautiful, and that is what I will be seeking over the course of the next few months. For me, there’s no better place to look than where my spiritual life began.
Not long ago I had an unshakeable faith in Christ - in the roots of my spiritual life - but after a roller coaster ride of four years that faith is now riddled with (metaphorical) bullet holes. I haven’t attended church or any sort of congregation in years. I still pray, but most of the time I’m skeptical if anyone or anything is listening. I’ve been trying to find something to connect to, but everywhere I turn I find myself completely turned off. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen Christian Instagram or Tik Tok, but they are (respectfully) cringe as fuck. It’s easy to sing the praises of Jesus as Lord and Savior when your spirit is aligned with that ethos, or when it’s the only thing you’ve ever known, but what about those who lack (or lost) that fire? A much different approach is needed, one with more nuance, patience and understanding. I hope to both find this approach and use myself as my initial test subject. In a digital world plagued with egomaniacs and divisiveness, it’s something I believe is needed now more than ever.
I find it almost comical how drastically the human mind can shift over the course of only a few years. I once read C.S. Lewis with the burning spirit of a believer, eating up every line, every word. I picked up a C.S. Lewis volume for the first time in years recently, and my experience was not the same. Granted, Lewis remains my favorite author (he wrote with a wholesomeness and levity I have yet to find replicated), but this time around I see clearly how his perspective was heavily informed by the time in which he lived. I mean, how could it not be? I can’t help but imagine what Mere Christianity would be if Lewis wrote it today - I can only assume it would be drastically different. Now let me be clear, I am in no way the literary heavyweight that Lewis was, but I like to think this work will at least be in a similar lineage of his thought and good intention. In many ways, I’ve always felt that this was something I was meant to do.
I’ve also noticed something a little more subtle, but it’s probably the number one thing I have going for me in regards to this rather ambitious endeavor. The long list of Christian authors in history - Lewis, Augustine, Aquinas, Merton to name a few - were for all intents and purposes holy men. They would often claim they were not, but let’s be serious - in many ways they were. The same goes for all these modern preachers and authors (or at least they claim). I make no such claims. I am a “sinner” through and through, and I preach from no pulpit. My body and mind are severely riddled with pride, lust, unchastity, deception and the gamut of insidious vices. So, you ask, how does this work in my favor? Because, quite simply, I’m just like you. I live in the same world, face the same temptations and fail in the same ways. I’m not a celibate monk or chaste preacher. I haven’t “conquered” any of my deepest, darkest desires. For that reason, I can speak on topics plainly, and I hope this will enable me to avoid isolating anyone. It’s that thing Jesus said:
'“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.” - John 8:7
Much of what I will write about will be personal stories, thoughts and anecdotes. My main target is the collection of us who live in the intellectual and spiritual purgatory I explained above, but I will also write to convicted Christians. I will write to Jews, to Muslims, to Buddhists, to New Age practitioners and to atheists. Everyone will be included, mostly due to the fact that the topics I discuss will unearth the things that affect us all as human beings. The thing I dislike most about religion - any and all religion - is that particularly dreadful (and prideful) intolerance that has become the trademark of the religiously inclined. Everyone is welcome at my table, and I hope that at least some of the things I discuss will break through and resonate with you on a deep level, no matter who you are and what you believe in. I like to think this is how Christ would want it to be, if nothing else.
The working title of this project is Confessions, an obvious nod to Saint Augustine. Augustine’s story has always held a special place in my heart, simply because it resonates so much with me. He did not convert to Christianity until his early thirties, after spending his twenties shacked by lust. He speaks of the kind of dissatisfaction and longing I know all too well. The way he speaks to God is on another level altogether, but hey, it’s always good to have something to strive for. At the end of the day, striving for a closer relationship with God (or whatever you’d like to call a Higher Power) is what this is all about, so the name is quite appropriate.
I plan to end each installment with a prayer, because why not? It certainly can’t hurt, and the fact that I have such internal resistance to it means I should definitely do it. We’ll kick off with a banger, The Peace Prayer (a.k.a The Prayer of St. Francis):
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
"Singing Holy, Holy to my one and onlyyyy" I have had this song on repeat like you wouldn't believe.. God is big into repetition. That's what I always remember when I find myself listening to the same 2 songs for 3 days straight.
1/100 This is so spot on with where I am myself right now. I find myself asking, and not in a corny or sporting one of those bracelets, but in a real way with real curiosity I find myself asking what would Jesus do? I am new to this unexpected turn of my faith. This experience of reaching, like a child to be picked up and held. Stories told through television have me wondering how do I follow? What do I do? It is this most unfamiliar, most loving peace I get to feel simply by beginning to understand the true power He holds. I went to religion class, I was raised Catholic. When I look back, I barely paid attention to anything ever if it wasn't something took me out of myself so none of whatever they were teaching us ever stuck. I feel so grateful to be 32 and just starting to have my own very personal experience. Not filtered through the understanding of any other human being. Me. Just me. He knows me. I have a certainty about that. I haven't experienced that sort of intimacy before. I always said God's my boy, he's got my back.. and I meant it. I've walked thru a lot of fear and done many hard things since I was brought to my current lifestyle. But this, this is so different and so personal and so absolutely pure. I feel like it may sound funny but I genuinely feel like He has entered my life to purify me. I am a sinner, I'm a liar, I could be considered a homewrecker to some, I'm not always thoughtful and considerate. Yet, the other day I Found myself with the desire to do so, looking people in the eye with a feeling in my heart like.. I am here, I don't need to hide or cut this conversation short. I can hold space for this person to tell me whatever they want to tell me. Granted, i've been open to having heartfelt conversations 1000 times but this, was different. To feel genuine and present like that? Is this free? Free indeed.
Thank you for writing D!!